Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The Bachelor: Which chocolate do you want to taste?

WE'RE BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER! I'm actually catching the Bachelor live this week, so unlike last week's post, this one will be complete with commercial commentary! So without further ado...

This week on the Bachelor...

8:00 PM - Hey, it's 8:00... let's get this show going...

Oh, there it is. Well, Selma and Leslie get one-on-one dates... and Robyn drops that pimptastic chocolate line on Sean.

And Tierra cranks up the drama. As annoying as she is, I guess I hope she stays.

Tierra says, "let's crank this up a notch!"

We begin the show with Chris breaking down the week for the ladies and ever so smoothly drops off the date card.

8:02 PM - 2 minutes... we went 2 minutes before seeing Sean shirtless....

Well dang... and 30 seconds later we have to have an UP SHOT of the man in his underwear? Nope, definitely wasn't feelin' that angle.

8:03 PM - Selma is first for the date card. She's very happy... but every other girl hangs her head in disappointment. Ugh, and we have Leslie in the confessional crying... again. Thank GOD she gets a date because I can't take anymore of her crying.

Apparently the other girls in the house think Selma is just a pretty face. Asha and I spent the next 10 seconds discussing if Selma's chest is enhanced or if she's just blessed. I dunno, you decide.

Blessed or enhanced?
8:05 PM - The date has moved to a private plane. Selma is very... comfortable in the plane. Lots of hand-holding, rubbing, etc. These ladies move fast.

8:06 PM - They've landed in the middle of the dessert. "He took the Iraqi to the dessert." <-- Those were her words, not mine.

[Commercial break]

8:09 PM - We're back on and I"m a little disappointed I didn't have anything to say about the commercials. Anyway, Selma is going on and on and on about being "petrified" being in the dessert. By the way, I really hope Sean doesn't take any of those black girls to the dessert. Selma thinks she doesn't do well in the heat... take some black folks out there and you'll see some "doesn't do well."

8:11 PM - Selma doesn't want to do the rock climbing. Oh, and she also HATES heights. I liked her better when she wasn't on camera as much.

8:12 PM - Do we have to hear her complain the entire time?

Haha, Sean's little go camera on his helmet has a great view of Selma's booty.

Oh, Selma is all of a sudden empowered! Apparently Sean gave her some adrenaline. Well, he gave her something because she just scooted right on up those rocks. Pretty impressive.

She is PROUD of herself. Almost too much. Am I hating right now? Because it's all kind of just annoying me. I should stop hating. That was pretty cool and she did very well climbing up the rock. Worst part about climbing up stuff is climbing back down though. Pretty much don't think about that part until it's time to leave.


C'mon, where are the good commercials?

Do you guys watch Happy Endings? That's a good show and you should watch if you don't.

OH MY GOD!!! These ladies abusing laxative stuff on Dr. Oz... that lady was nasty skinny. I literally shuttered. Ugh, that was nasty.

8:18 PM - Ok, we're back, still in the dessert. Sean is driving again - apparently they didn't tell him that the only way to travel while on the Bachelor is by limo, helicopter and/or plane. Not by Rubicon Jeep.

So... they're finishing their date in some little... set up.

8:20 PM - Selma is digging deep, wants to know why Sean is single. I know why, cuz Emily didn't pick him. Didn't she watch the Bachelorette?

Where is Sairy at? I have something I want to say/ask her but, sorry guys, it's not for the blog, haha.

8:21 PM - Selma is Arabic and Muslim. Hmm... I wonder if she's working with Sergent Brody on Homeland... (such a good show)

If you don't watch this show, you should. Very intense.
Ha, kinda funny - Sean wants to kiss her so bad but, she ain't 'bout that kissin' all on TV stuff.

8:22 PM - "I don't need no chaperones..." gangsta Tierra. That was funny.

8:23 PM - Sean just got "blue balls" since he couldn't kiss Selma. Anyway, Selma's mom is not very happy about her being on this show. It's tough to go against cultural things. Makes me wonder if Selma has had previous boyfriends and if she kissed 'em.

8:25 PM - Blah, blah, blah... Selma gets a rose. So far this episode is boooooooooooooooooooooring.

Ugh, now they're playing some ballad. And again, Sean wishes he could kiss her. Ugh... just go to commercial...

Teaser before commercial break - I can't wait to see these girls doing some roller derby. And... ha... the one armed girl has to do it too? That just seems... not right.

[Commercial break]

Tax season... gotta get that done.

Ha, this Nutri-grain commercial with the vampires made me chuckle.

Does anyone think Jessica Alba is a good actress?

Ugh, I wanted to watch The Taste last week. Did anyone watch? Was it good?

8:30 PM - Yeeesss, we're back and we're immediately in the limo for the group date. I wonder if Sean picked all of these group dates. Lots of physical stuff.

Tierra is clearly ready to "throw some 'bows" though.
8:32 PM - So the ladies figure out they're doing some roller derby. I have to admit, roller derby... stuff seems... terrifying. It ain't my cup of tea.

8:33 PM - Amanda lied saying she's done roller derby before. Good move. A wise man one said, "You play to win the game." (Herm Edwards) It's one of my favorite quotes and very applicable.

Aahhhh maaaannn... gravity is KILLIN' these girls, haha. I don't care what anyone says, when someone falls, it's pretty funny.

Gravity: 1, Girls: 0

Gravity: 2, Girls: still 0

Awww, now I almost feel a lil' bit bad for laughing since they brought up Sarah trying to do this. Asha's called this - Sarah will get the rose because she's "face her fears".

8:36 PM - Sean and Sarah are now discussing this. She's teetering a lot, she might not do this.

Ok, she's going to try it. Do you think she's ever roller skated before?

Ok, well Amanda is killin' it during this practice.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, and then she fell and busted her chin. She must've gotten too cocky and karma tripped her. But seriously, why couldn't they show us this fall??? I needed to see that! This is already the second time ABC has conveniently cut away from the action.

Example 1) Tierra's "fall" down the stairs. You mean to tell me all the cameras in that house and not ONE caught that?!?

Example 2) The camera decides to record Sarah just standing there... and nothing else. And I know there's more than 1 camera there. The director is slackin'.

Anyway, Amanda is currently... half smiling... half wincing. I kept thinking she was going to laugh. She needs to go to the Tierra school of fake injuries. (I mean real injuries... Tierra was actually hurt last week when she sat down at the end of the stairs... I mean, when she fell down the stairs.)

Gravity: 3, Girls: yup, still 0... and a busted chin.

[Commercial break]

I think I say this every time I see a commercial for it, but Grey's Anatomy still comes on?! They haven't run out of extreme situations to make episodes about?

Psh, Duncan Donuts... they WISH they were as good as Krispy Kreme.

8:42 PM - We're back and Amanda is icing her chin. That thing is broken...  and now she has to go to the hospital. These girls are TERRIFIED right now. The one person who "knew" what she was doing busted her chin and has to go to the hospital. You can see it in their eyes, these girls are scared straight!


AMAZING, all of them can suddenly roller skate with ease! Man, I'm highly disappointed. I know Tierra was gonna do some head hunting. She was out for blood.

Just needed to show this again.

8:44 PM - Ha, that was kinda funny watching Sean cross the street with a line of women following him.

I wonder what I would've said/thought if I were stopped at the
light and saw this.
FINALLY, we're getting close to Tierra shaking things up. I think on this show, they should be required to show some high-drama moment from the resident crazy person just to keep us all interested.

[Commercial break]

All of these Disney movies are coming back out. You think once I have my kid(s) Disney is going to re-release Monster's Inc. or... Wreck It Ralph?

8:50 PM - We're back, time for some one-on-one time with the ladies.

Haha, everyone is asking if the day was a good day.

Hahahahaha - Tierra got complimented for doing well during the date. Lindsay then adds that Tierra should get into roller derby stuff after the show.

8:52 PM - Amanda's back! And she's admitted that she is going to milk the crap out of her new sympathy card. It didn't work as well as she'd hoped.

8:53 PM - Hahaha, Leslie FINALLY gets her one-on-one date... and Daniella is NOT happy about it.

Leslie finally gets out of the house.
Daniella is sporting her "WTF" face.

8:54 PM - Ha, Robyn left Tierra out when asking what happened earlier with Amanda. Did she do it on purpose? Probably. And I hope so. But Tierra's crazy is starting to peek out. She's going on and on... she doesn't trust any of the girls. She's now talking to one of the producers saying she wants to leave.

Haha... and now she's frantically looking around for Sean... and he's definitely making out with Lindsay at the moment.

Ohh, and here come the tears with Tierra.

(by the way... Sean and Lindsay have had like an hour together. They're about to change into bathing suits and get in the hot tub...)

Haha, how long was Tierra waiting outside of the room? Anyway, homegirl is breaking down. Sean has this look on his face like, "uhh... why are you crying... don't... cry... please?"

And with Sean's magic words... just like that... Tierra is no longer crazy. Sean has officially put the "Bachelor blinders" on. They all get a pair and they conveniently put them on when alone with the craziest girl.
This moment killed me! It was hilarious. SHE couldn't even hold back
that sly smile knowing she gave Sean an Oscar-worthy performance.
9:00 PM - And of course, Tierra gets the rose. He's so dumb.

Those ladies were in shock. But honestly... they should've seen this coming. Asha's is a little upset that she was wrong about her rose-pick. Once we saw the break down happening with Tierra though, we knew she was getting that rose.

That was entertaining.

[Commercial break]

Ok, this Best Buy commercial with the female employee that got to test a big flat screen tv - if Asha acted like that while watching football - yeah, we would NEVER watch sports together/we wouldn't be married.

9:06 PM - Ok, it's finally the next day and Leslie is "super, super, duper, duper excited."

She really thinks Sean actually gave her these earrings. Silly, Leslie.

Sean just breaks ALL the traveling rules. He's driving a nice, drop top sports car though. But still, he is a habitual rule breaker.

9:08 PM - So this date is all centered around the movie "Pretty Woman". She gets to go try on a bunch of dresses (and I guess she gets to keep one?) and Sean just... watches? (you know Selma is so jealous about this date) Yeah, this sounds like fun. Sean has CLEARLY never had a real girlfriend because umm, NO guy LIKES to go sit and wait while the lady is trying on clothes. Dumb.

AND she's trying on a bunch of ugly dresses. Take that big, stupid bow off of the dress!

9:10 PM - Sean... what are you doing?!?! You're not supposed to meet Mr. Neil Lane until the END when you've got it down to 2 ladies!! You don't break out jewelry on the first date. We all like making our lady happy, but bro... this is NOT how you do it.

Asha asked if I'd ever want to do that date. I told her if I'm the one playing Julia Roberts' role and I get to get all the clothes, then yeah, sure. You all may not know this, but I like to shop. I like my clothes. I like looking good. I DON'T like waiting around for somebody else to get clothes. That's boring.

[Commercial break]

9:17 PM - We're back on the date. Leslie makes um... some weird noises.

Is Sean ever going to NOT give someone a rose on a date? Could happen tonight.

Oh, we found out Leslie gets to keep the earrings. Everything else has to go back. Don't mess up anything!

9:18 PM - Leslie telling us a bit about her past. Apparently she's "the girl before the one". So unlucky.

This conversation isn't really going anywhere. They're repeating each other a lot... oh, until now when they started talking about divorce. Guess that's how you get the ball rollin'.

We're getting a voice over... Sean isn't feelin' Leslie that much.

9:21 PM - The girls back at the house are thinking Leslie ain't coming back.

And neither is Sean...

And neither is Jeremy...

And neither is Asha...

9:22 PM - Ok, let's see how Sean does this since he just picked up the rose...

He was pretty straight forward. He said it just didn't click. He basically said, "It's not you, it's me" but in a nicer way.

Leslie is sad. But she should be used to this right? I mean, she "dates" Sean and then he finds "the one."

This part is never really... fun. Ha, she couldn't get the necklace off...

Hmm, I'm a little surprised she wasn't crying in the limo. Didn't see that coming.

Haha, also didn't see this coming - Mr. Ben Taylor (?) wasted his time bringing his guitar. No concert for him to do now. This is just a recorded practice now.

9:25 PM - Leslie is bummed about about leaving. After she was so freakin' excited to go on the date. Oh well.

Haha, those girls jumped and nearly broke their necks watching the random guy take Leslie's suitcase. I wouldn't mind that guy's job. I'd toy with the ladies though... fake like I'm getting it... leave, come back... use the bathroom... just to watch them get all flustered.

9:26 PM - Dramatic drop of the rose at the end of the song. Nice touch.

[Commercial break]

I'm disappointed in these commercials tonight.

This is random, but I wish I could raise one eyebrow. I think there are so many situations that could use a good eyebrow raise.

Oh yeah, Seth McFarlane is hosting the Oscars this year. He's funny. Just might tune in for that.

9:30 PM - We're back. I... think they're dressed up for the rose ceremony. Yeah, they are. Before we get into this rose ceremony, I'd like to talk about Jackie. How is she still on the show? She must be saying all the right things during her one-on-one time because I see nothing.

9:32 PM - Ah man... we still have a lot of time left.

Ok, so Sean is clearly keeping Ashlee tonight.

Oh yeah, one-on-one time with Robyn now. Bring on the chocolate pick-up line...

Ah man... previews made that seem... better. It was much... goofier than I had hoped.

9:34 PM - Ha, Tierra walks through JUST as Desiree is talking about her. Girls are so bad at playing that off.

9:35 PM - Tierra is making a move to seem to be the bigger person trying to speak like adults... except she's making it all about herself and actually told Robyn it was "her bad" for how SHE felt Tierra was acting toward her. Yeah, I have to use that on someone.

Ah, that was so fake, even Pro Wrestlers were appalled.

("WOOOOOOOO!" - Ric Flair)

9:41 PM - OK, we're back and right after the little talk with Tierra, Robyn and Jackie immediately go and talk to the rest of the ladies.

I think... I wish they would just get an entire cast of girls like Tierra. Us guys fall for it every time. Pretty face and you tell us you like us... and it's a wrap.

This whole time Sean thinks he knows Tierra and he can read her. Boy is he stupid. He's just as bad as Ben.

9:44 PM - We finally get some Catherine time! A reassuring talk. They've reminded each other that they still like each other. I think she just wrapped up her rose for the night.

Dang, Catherine's got on some hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh heels. (you hav to say that in a high-pitched voice too)

Everyone thinks they have the perfect kiss with Sean. Either Sean's just that good... or Arie is the grand master of kissing.
(insert pic of Arie)

Ok, rose ceremony is coming up... after this commercial... ugh.

[Commercial break]

Ok, this K-Y commercial was kinda funny. Didn't know it was a K-Y commercial at first. That was funny.

9:52 PM - Let's get this rose ceremony started! (By the way, not much of Chris Harrison in tonight's episode)

Any bets on who's going home?????? All I got is Jackie... but she hasn't been on a date yet so it's hard to say.

Ugh, ugly Amanda is back.

Catherine gets the first rose (yeeeesssss) followed by Desiree.

Lindsay gets a rose. So far all predictable.

Lesley, Robyn and Ashlee all get a rose. Again, no surprises. Although, it's getting down to crunch time...

Sarah gets to stay. Didn't even have o do any roller derby crap.

Oooooo, Jackie got a rose.

Now I think Daniella is going home... but she hasn't had a date. She was clearly overlooked. Is he gonna send busted jaw home?

OOHH SNAP! Daniella DID get the final rose and Amanda is going home. Ha, and she was the only one. She shouldn't have looked like Flo' from the Progressive Insurance commercials (minus the hair) for the rose ceremony. First mistake.

9:58 PM - Back in the house and it's all smiles.

Next week on the bachelor...

AH CRAP! Did I just hear Chris say there are TWO episodes on TWO nights next week?!?! MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! They're trying to kill me as SOON as football season is over.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oohh man, previews just showed Tierra running and... of course another moment with the paramedics. It's terrible I was laughing at her apparently freezing to death, but... it was funny. We'll see how accurate the previews are next week.

Well, I guess we'll get double the Tierra.

I was going to do some Power Rankings for this week but, the news of 2 episodes next week has me a little depressed. So next week, I promise there will be new rankings. Also, if I have to write 2 blogs next week, those suckers better get a lot of views!

That was an entertaining episode. Much better than last week.

Ok, friends, we've reached the end. Can't wait to double dip with Sean and the ladies next week!

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