Friday, January 11, 2013

The Bachelor: Let the madness begin!

Anyone know what season of the Bachelor/Bachelorette this is? They've been on for a while. Anyway, time to watch episode 1 via DVR (one of the greatest inventions of ALL TIME). Also, just in case you missed the preseason rankings, you can find them here.

Ok, let's get this started.

"This season on the Bachelor..." (Chris' voice is so sweet... like warm milk and honey.)

Typical preview clips of the season. I have to admit, it WOULD be awesome to have 25 women/men "fighting" for you.

This intro is too long. Start the show already.

Haha, there were some funny clips in there. Leave it to the ladies to bring the drama, comedy, action... thank you, ladies, for your invaluable entertainment!

Clips of Sean working out... showing off the guns. Glistening like a true pro. Wonder what he's throwin' up on the bar these days.

Aww, reminiscing about Emily. Haha, she didn't pick him. After he did all that... chased her in some random city, talked about love in front of strangers... even dropped the "L" word. Tough luck, buddy.

"Did he really think he was gonna win?", Asha asked.
"I dunno. I mean he WAS in love..." replied Jeremy... with a smirk.

I wonder how many dates Sean went on after being on the Bachelorette. Cuz I'm positive the ladies were lining up at his door.

I forgot about that lil' girl's guest house in the back yard! She's livin' the dream. Free, big house. Don't have to cook, clean... do any house maintenance inside or outside. Lucky.

Wish I had a house when I was 5. BAAAAALLLLLIIIIINNNN'

Wow... I almost forgot how cheesy this show is.

OH MY GOODNESS... Arie is about to give Sean advice on kissing? And he's using the hands! Ahh... I bet Veronica enjoyed that.

[Commercial break]

And we're back. Sean telling us he's nervous about the ladies coming. Blah, blah, blah... ARIE'S HERE!

Haha, I think they've said the word, "dude" 5 times already.

"I know, dude."

Haha, Sean re-telling the night Arie was picked over him... yeah, let's sit around and have a few chuckles about that. Also, are they too fancy to drink the beer from the bottle?

"WILL you accept this rose?"
"Will YOU accept this rose?"
"Will you accept THIS rose?"

... really? This is what we're practicing? And why is Arie giving advice? Has he been "The Bachelor"? He's not saying anything I wouldn't/couldn't say. Sign me up as the "Advice Guy".

Ok... and now the kissing tutorial starts. I'm totally going to practice my Arie-technique on Asha.

(They look like robots)

This really happened.
Oh God... they're now talking about throwin' in a lil' tongue. Actually, that's the perfect time for me to practice...


Apparently my kissing attracted Apollo more than Asha. I need practice.

I just looked over... Asha was kissing Apollo more than kissing me. I REALLY need to practice.

[Commercial break]

Back on.

HEEEYYY, IT'S CHRIS!! I wonder what he does in the off-season. Probably hang out with Bachelorettes of Christmas past.

Ok, time to take a look at some of the ladies...
And we start in the bridal shop. Oooo, whoever that girl was in that wedding dress... umm... I hope she didn't get that dress.

Hey, Tierra! I remember you from the rankings! Oh... she got pretty excited when she found out Sean is the bachelor. That interview went up a notch quickly.

Robyn... she's an engineer. She seems... smart... and umm... doesn't get out much. Nice place though.

Diana - she has kids.

Sarah - WHOA... she has one arm! Did NOT see that coming. She makes me want to go an entire day only using one arm.

Ashley P. - She has no idea why she's still single? The man in her life is the guy from 50 Shades of Grey... I'm done with her.

Lesley - Did I say she looks like she has a deep voice? I need to check my rankings. In her B-roll shots, she just doesn't look very... happy.

Kristy - she's a model. She has a huge mouth. Hey, she was doing some TRX. I know what that is thanks to work!

Ashlee - a professional organizer. Uh... how do you make money with that? Oh, I just googled it, you can make some good money doing that.  Anyway, she's adopted... Wow... this piece on her is boooooooooooooooooooriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing.

Hold up... one of these girls shows up in a wedding dress? She thought that was cool? She didn't think that was crazy?


Jimmy Kimmel... he's funny. Wonder if anyone did his latest YouTube prank...

Back on. Sean just pulled up in the limo... ballin'.

I hope producers told him to look around a lot and "take it all in" because man... he's looking around everywhere. I'd probably do the same thing if I were told to "stare off into the distance and take it all in."

First limo of ladies. Apparently this Sean guy is attractive. Eh... I've seen better.

First out, Ashlee - Hmm... I guess I like her dress. That was a nice intro I guess. Whoa... just saw the back of her dress... I don't like it anymore.

Next up, Jackie. Oh... she's the one that puts on lipstick and kisses his cheek. Yeah, I'm rubbing that off right in front of her. Don't leave that crap on me.

Heeyy, Selma! I didn' have much to say about her. Ha, she got points for wiping off that stupid kiss. I'll remember that in the rankings, Selma.

Leslie. Poker dealer. I have no idea what to think of her.

Daniella out of the limo next. She has the great idea to make a handshake with Sean. That was terrible. Clearly she's never made a handshake with anyone. She did the "down low" part wrong.

Kelly from Nashville... wrote him a song. Oh... and she's really singing it! She's really... tan. Ok, well her song wasn't terrible. Kudos.

Katie aka Felicity from Charlotte! She doesn't look like Felicity anymore so she's back to Katie. Ha, she wasn't wearing shoes.

Oh lord... Ashley P and her 50 Shades of Grey. Sean didn't even know what to say. Don't the ladies know that the smart guys don't marry the freaks.

Taryn... she seems nice. And now I know how to say it correctly (I guessed right by the way)

Catherine. I think I like her.

Next limo - Robyn comes out. Oh lord, she's doing her Gabby Douglas impression. OOOOHHHHHH SNAP!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA, SHE FELL! Ahh... I needed that. "Oh nooo! I got so nervous!" - Robyn. Ahh... that was funny.

This was the biggest fail I've seen since the ND-'Bama game. (zing!)

Lacey. Eh... whatever. Moving on...

Paige. Oh... she was on the Bachelor Pad. Apparently Asha remembers her. Pretty sure I don't.

Next up, Tierra. She's a hugger.
Uh oh... Sean just left her there, haha. He's changin' up the rules. I wonder how long she was there waiting.

Dang, they left me hangin'...

Man, these girls are coming out too fast. I'm typing 100 mph over here! Anyway, back on. Tierra there still waiting outside.

Ok, we're getting an explanation from Sean now. Ok, I might need to rewind because I don't know what Tierra did that made Sean want to give her a rose that quickly. I can't WAIT to see how the other ladies take this. And the girls still waiting in the limo to come out and have to watch this. Yeah, nobody likes her right now.

Causing trouble early. 
Haha, he's hoping the early rose doesn't create tension among the girls. Yeah... apparently he's never seen the show. Haha... those girls do NOT like her right now. This just got awesome! All those stares hurt me a lil' bit.

Amanda comes out and wants to go ahead and have the awkward moment now. Sean said it wasn't that awkward for him but umm... for us viewers, yeah that was awkward. By the way, she was pretty good at the awkward pause. Not necessarily a good thing to be good at.

Keriann is up next. And she drove a lot of miles for a shot with Sean. You wasted your gas cuz I'm pretty sure you're not staying long. Hope you used a hybrid.

Desiree brought some pennies for the fountain. I'm actually wondering what they wished for, haha.
"She was really cute," said Sean. "But not cute enough for a rose!"

Sarah just stepped out... and there's her half arm.

Brooke walked out with a lil' bit of swagger. She's uh... kind of acting like she's a flapper from the '40s.

Dianna - one of the many who has forgotten to say their name.

Lesley brought a football. Immediately gained some points with me. Nice little trick... I guess (perv). She still kinda seems... eh.

Kristy... my god her mouth is big. All those white teeth... blinding me.

Ashley H... yeah, not really feelin' her. I need these black girls to step it up a lil' bit. I can't root for you if you're gonna be lame, weird or fall over trying to do backflips in your dress. C'mon now!

Lauren the journalist. She's Italian... and the family owns an Italian restaurant. She jokingly said if Sean breaks her heart, her dad will break his legs. Joke or not, she can turn around and take that back with her to Rhode Island. I'm sure that isn't the first time she's used that joke either... not surprised she's single.

And there's the wedding dress. Lindsay... I don't think I got this from you in the rankings. Is she already driz-unk? Ha, she went in for that kiss... ON THE LIPS! Bet she learned that from Arie.

Yeah, she's driz-unk.

Oh snap, now comes the special lady who wanted to specifically meet Sean. And it's...

[Commercial... oh ABC, sneaky, sneaky]

Ok, we're back on. And the mystery woman is...

Kacie B. from Ben's season! Did she just... not get enough of this show? Did she want to just come back to the mansion? Do they know each other? They kind of seem like they've met.

Half the girls don't know/remember who Kacie is. C'mon, ladies. Even I knew who Kacie was. Anyway, the ladies already hating. This is great!

Alright, first intros are finally over.  Sean is now speaking to all of the ladies. Let the games begin!

That girl in the wedding dress. Ha... there's always 1 weirdo. You remember that guy that wore the mask on the Bachelorette a couple seasons back?

Yeah... him.
One-on-one time with Kacie. Haha, he asked if she was cold. Yeah, we can all see how short her dress is, of course she's cold.

"I can throw a football like... no one else," says Desiree. I bet she can't throw a football like Peyton Manning.
Anyway, she got an early rose. Not sure what she did but... kudos.

Haha, these girls don't like the fact that there are roses out on the loose! Honestly, I wouldn't either.

[Commercial break - anyone else think Sean's silhouette kind of looks like a... boring guy? Oh, just me? Ok, moving on...]

Hey, what do you REALLY want from your toilet paper? Ooohhhh, you don't talk or think about that either? Yeah, that commercial was stupid, Quilted Northern.

Ok, we're back! Haha, Catherine admitted they were all mean muggin' - I like her.

Another girl walks in with a rose. Sean is just handing out roses all willy nilly. Getting the ladies all in a tizzy.

Now they're arguing about if Tierra's rose was the first impression rose or not. Haha... that girl was just a hater.

So Sean is just handing out the rose as he talks to them. Man... someone's gonna feel stupid if they walk away empty-handed.

Ok, seriously, who HASN'T gotten a rose yet?

Uh... ok, wait. This black girl, that I don't like, claims to be a southern bell... from Denver? And her accent is... wavering. Ugh... just go home.

Lindsay says she hopes Sean gets her wedding dress joke. That's... not something you joke about. She also wishes she were a lil' more sober. I think I speak for everyone when I say, nah... glad she's drunk.

Haha, now she's the sad girl in the wedding dress.

Oh lord... one of these Ashleys is good and drunk and she's umm... dancing. Oooo, is she this season's Kourtney?? Let's hope so! Haha, she's very happy to slide that tie out of her bosom.

Sean's face is just... ha.
Haha, and she tripped down the steps. Now... I can't joke on that too much because I'm amazed women can consistently walk down steps in heels. But still, she fell... and I laughed.

Man, this is a marathon.


Back on. Hey, Leslie got a rose. She seems fun.

Uh oh, the ladies are getting nervous about not having a rose. The pressure's on! It's game time! They have to be aggressive!

And then there's Taryn who refuses to be aggressive and go steal Sean's time. Sean just walked up... and HA, he takes Brooke for a second to talk... and Taryn is left crying. She says she doesn't fight over a guy... umm... does she know what show she came on? Really?

Wait, there are more girls not being aggressive? Sean is giving out roses like they're on a going out of business sale... go get you a rose! Weak sauce.

The one-armed girl (I forgot her name) is finally getting her alone time with Sean. I'm glad she stepped up.  And look at that... she got a rose. Your move, Taryn.

Oh, and now it's time for the Rose Ceremony. Time to place bets on who's going home!
Definitely Lindsay.
Guessing Ashley H. is outta here.

[Commercial break]

Asha hit the fast forward, I ran out of time to place more bets!

And we're back. Chris said Sean is the most sincere bachelor they've had on the show. Wonder how Ben feels about that.

Man, So many faces... I've forgotten about half of them already! Anyway, let's hand out some roses and watch some folks go home!

First rose goes to (oooo, dramatic music) Amanda! Big smile of relief from her.

"Amanda, will you accept this rose?" <-- Sean's been practicing!

Next up, Leslie M! She seems so... business-like. I hope there's some fun in there.

Kacie gets a rose... duh.

Kristy and all her teeth get a rose!

Daniella is next to get a rose. I kind of forgot who she was. We'll see if she gets TV time next week.

HEEYYY! TARYN GOT A ROSE! And she didn't have to do anything! Look at that...

Oh snap! Chris has informed us that this is the final rose tonight! (Where would we be without him?!)

Well, I lost one bet. I'm a lil' surprised Paige and Lauren didn't get a rose. Guess they were boring. Not shocked by anyone else though.

Aww, she's the jumbotron operator. I forgot about that. Ah man.. she didn't get a rose on Bachelor Pad or the Bachelor.

Ohhh, here come some tears. Cruise ship entertainer is upset. She should've offered him a discount on a cruise. Carnival cruise keeps my attention when they offer me discounts.

Ashley H just said a quick goodbye. I guess she's upset... shed a few tears... but it just seems kinda fake to me.

Ok, now Sean is with the lucky ladies. Quick commercial break, then I get my 2nd preview of the season! It'd be funny if the whole time Kacie was like, "oh I remember when we did this with Ben..."

Ok, that probably wouldn't be that funny.

[Commercial break]

"This season, on the Bachelor"

Blah, blah, blah a bunch of nice trips. Show me the fights!

Hey, some of these girls are going to get further along on this season than I thought.

Oh, ok, here are my fights! Hahahaha... Desiree's um... guy comes on the show to get her?

Hahahaha... so Tierra is the instigator. Nice.

This episode was... eh. Feels like I didn't really have much to say throughout this. Hopefully this season will provide some good stuff.

That drunk Ashley ended the show in the confessional. Still drunk. And... she showed off her tattoo... on her butt. And of course she did more dancing. She was at least entertaining. We'll miss her...

She would've at the very least been interesting... 

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