Thursday, January 16, 2014

The Bachelor: Life is about straddling people... and things.

Well, since there was a big tease for this 2-night premier... I'm late with the blog. Also, I'm not live blogging this... you're getting a recap. You can blame ABC for that.

You can also blame ABC for putting every man's dream of having 25 gorgeous women vying for 1 guy on television.

Anyway, show opens up with the usual preview of the season. Looks like some good, scenic moments as always. Also... man, Juan Pablo is SO spanish.

Oh boy, just saw the clips of all the tears.

There were lots of clips of Miami. It really made me want to go back since they were in the same spots Asha and I were in.

It's pretty clear Juan Pablo loves his daughter... as he should. Also, I'm gonna go ahead and put it out there - Juan Pablo's daughter is WAAAAAAY cuter than Ricki (Emily's daughter). Was that mean of me to say? Oh well, sometimes the truth hurts.

Moving on...

An appearance from Sean! Giving his advice to Juan Pablo on how to find true love on this crazy journey. I think he left out the part where you keep around the OBVIOUS crazy chick for our entertainment. Hopefully he slid that in there off camera.

As I sit and watch this episode, I'm reminded that I could totally play some of the guitar parts used as the music bed.

It's a shame I'm not live-blogging this. There's a lot going on. I mean... I just started and there's a single mom, a woman who's engagement was just (allegedly) randomly broken off, a girl who is clearly all work, and a weirdo masseuse. This has the makings of a good season. Hopefully there are some good moments right out of the limos.

Chris Harrison just told Juan Pablo he was sooooo popular, they have 2 extra women. I KNEW there seemed like a TON of women during my preseason blog.

"I'm liking this first limo" - Juan Pablo. I am 100% positive I'd say things like that the entire season. Way to keep it real, Juan Pablo. Oh, and he also watches each girl walk away. Gotta check the goods in the rear.

Whoa, whoa, whoa... Lucy with no shoes looks like a bit of a weirdo. Her occupation is "free spirit." How much does that pay?

And right after that this lady comes up in a piano tricycle. That was cool and all but... what are they gonna do with that piano in the driveway?

Raise your hand if you ever thought it was a good idea to impress a single guy by pretending to be pregnant?

Props to ABC and this crop of women. No one seems evil yet, but they're all pretty easy on the eyes. Lots of different occupations as well.

My man turned this into a party! I KNEW I loved that guy!

First impression rose went to Sharleen the opera singer. That was... weird. She was so surprised she got the rose, but she didn't act very happy about it. I can see why he's intrigued by her but she might make it all go down hill really fast if she keeps acting awkward and calling him "sir."

Rose ceremony goes on as usual except... thanks to Juan Pablo's awesome accent, one girl totally thought he said her name... and he didn't. It was awesome. Previews of the season also reminded me that, 'the Bachelor' is so much more entertaining than 'the Bachelorette.' Anyway, good first episode. Can't wait for this crazy roller coaster to get goin'!
Oh snap! Double dose of some Juan Pablo on the blog! I figured since you were cheated of a full blog for the first episode, you deserve a lil' more Juan Pablo!

Before we get going with this,  I've got a couple things:

1. This is a good group of ladies. I actually find many of them to be likable. I know it doesn't take much to look terrible on TV and change all of that, but I wanted to get it out there now. I like them.

2. I have a feeling this is going to be a really close season. Obviously there's only been 1 episode, but it looks like it's going to be hard to pick a favorite. I have no idea who'll be in the final 4. Because of that, I'm more inclined to watch and see how the drama unfolds.

Ok, let's start the show.

8:00 PM - GAME TIME! That's what I tell myself so I can get hyped up for the episode! Woop! Wooooop!

8:01 PM - That dog is still there? Seriously? I'd wanna bring my dog. I've GOT to become a professional dog lover.

So Clare gets the first date. Lucky her. Let's get this party started!

8:03 PM - I gotta work on my Juan Pablo impersonation.

Ha... girls are... silly. They're all cheering and so shocked Juan Pablo blind folded her. Guess I gotta try the ol' "pin the tail on the donkey" move and blind fold Asha.

Juan Pablo is confident this date is going to be awesome. He remembers what the producers told him about it and knows it's going to be legit.

They pulled up to some fake snow. This scene looks like the beginning of "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe."

Snow is fun... but it's probably way more fun for people who don't ever get to see it. And it's even more fun when you don't have to drive in it, shovel it, slip and fall in it, look at it pile up and get all dirty on the side of the road...

8:07 PM - Ladies in the pool and... BAM. Leave it to Hippy Lucy to get topless. Because I am a heterosexual male... this girl is OK with me.

I forgot how much it annoyed me hearing them talk about how happy they are on these set up, made to be super romantic dates. Bleeehhhhhhh.

8:09 PM - Clare might be one of the worst ice skaters I've ever seen. And I've seen myself ice skate and it ain't graceful, but I am confident in my next statement. I'm better at ice skating that her.

[Commerical break! So... Asha is currently baking some cookies. This is awesome. Just thought you should know.]

8:12 PM - Whoa, I wasn't ready for the show to come back on! Anyway, next date card arrives and it's Kat's turn. Haha, she's asking everyone else if they have any ideas what her date might be like... and they're all like, "...shut up..."

Now it's time for Clare's background story. Hmm... apparently her dad was perfect.

Haha, Clare is giving Juan Pablo somewhat of a massage.
"I bet that weirdo massage therapist is jeeeaaallllooouuuussss!" - Asha

So true though. But hey, don't be so weird next time.

Hey... is Clare the one that's like... half Mexican or something?

8:16 PM - "I'm having a very very good much time with you." - Juan Pablo. Umm... bruh... sexy accent doesn't cover up that terrible grammar over here. Gonna need you to fix that as the season goes.

Now, I'm not blaming him at all, but date 1, she gets the rose + heavy make out session + the guy that was on X factor (maybe?)!! AND it's suddenly snowing AND they're just hanging out in bathing suits like true gangsta meteorologists! Take that, fake nature!

Oohhh snap. Little clip of what's to come and that girl gets all super drunk in the pool. I can't wait!

[Commercial break! Update - those cookies are done and they. are. DELICIOUS!]

8:24 PM - We're back! Kat is excited for her date, as she should be. She has nice dimples. I hope she doesn't become annoying.

Ha... that dog is still there. I hope when he sends that girl home (cuz she ain't staying) the dog gets to stay.

I know they do... but I don't think that contestants really understand that this is all for and from the show. That dude ain't gonna take you on trips with a private jet. He wouldn't need to be on this show if that was his actual life cuz he'd already be "The Bachelor" and winning at life.

8:27 PM - I guess Kat isn't into 5Ks because she has no idea she's doing the Electric Run. Anyway, fun atmosphere at the start of this race.

So they get to dance throughout the 5K (which is exactly how I run 5Ks). They're gonna seriously need a shower.

8:30 PM - Group date card arrives and it's everyone except 3 girls. They felt like losers, haha.

Back to the race. Juan Pablo and Kat are on the stage partying it up. It does look like fun but honestly, unless she was twerking like Miley throughout the race, she... didn't do anything to deserve a rose. I mean... I GUESS if you finish the race, you can get a rose. Except... they didn't even run. That had to be the easiest rose "earned" in show history, right?

[Commercial break! ...ugh... I think I ate too many cookies...]


Ok... I think it's officially time to start counting how many times Hippy Lucy shows her boobs/is topless.

Hippy Lucy's censor boxes: 1

Ok, looks like this group date is a big photo shoot... cuz all girls like being models.

...this dude has a... teal colored goatee. It kinda looks like it's glowing.

The photo shoot is with dogs. From what I see... Apollo can be a dog model.

8:42 PM - ha... some of these props/make up is... hilarious. Hahaha... this one girl (the professional dog lover) looks like poop.

8:43 PM - Elise and Andi's "outfit" is uh... cardboard signs. Ha, I feel bad for them cuz... yeah they're fun lil' photo shoot suddenly turned X-rated.

[Commercial break! Doing this blog got me thinking... I have to sit and watch 2 hours of this show every Monday night. I should just start writing about sports so I "HAVE" to watch games every night. #Genius]

8:48 PM - Back at the photo shoot.

Haha, that blonde girl tried to talk to the director and... yeah, he had none of that.

GENIUS IDEA! Elise switches with Hippy Lucy and we get more censor boxes!

Hippy Lucy's censor boxes: 2

They're finally actually doing the photo shoot. Some of the ladies look really nice all dolled up.  Feel even worse for Andi. She just realized Juan Pablo is gonna be naked in the photo shoot with her.

That makes it better!

Umm... what does "aventura" mean? Gotta Google it.

8:54 PM - Time for the naked pictures annnnd...

Hippy Lucy's censor boxes: 3

Haha... that poop looking girl looks so dumb.

Oh... Hippy Lucy's censor boxes: 4

[Commercial break!]

9:00 PM - Back on and the posse is walkin' the empty streets of L.A.

Oh snap - former NBA dancer has a son too?! And she's nervous to tell Juan Pablo... the guy who has a daughter... that she has a son. Whatevs.

Also, this girl reminds me of Morena Baccarin from Homeland.

9:03 PM - Haha, Renee brought up their almost kiss from the photo shoot and sorta kinda tried to get a kiss. And it didn't happen... again.

9:04 PM - Yeeessssss! Victoria is driz-unk! Slurred speech and all! This is great!

"If Juan Pablo just so happens to be mine, I'm gonna straddle him... every daaaay... cuz that's what life is about, straddling people... and things." - Victoria.

That was the best scene of the season so far. Gonna need more of drunk Victoria. Juan Pablo... please... keep her around. Do it for me, man!

[Commercial break!]

9:09 PM - Finally, the show is back on! But we're starting with Nikki... I want drunk Victoria.

Hahaha... drunk Victoria is in the pool by herself. She's just rambling. I don't even have anything to say right now... I'm just watching.

Yeess... and now she's walking up to Nikki and Juan Pablo's 1 on 1 time. She looks over and sees them and... uh oh... here comes the turn... for the worse...

9:13 PM - Now it gets boring cuz drunk Victoria is just... bawling in the bathroom and screaming at this girl trying to help her and saying she wants to go home. Drunk people are the best!

Haha, it's always fun when the crew has to get involved.

So the crew doesn't let drunk Victoria leave (for safety reasons) and drunk Victoria doesn't like this. So what does she do? Back to the bathroom stall!

[Commercial break!]

9:19 PM - There's always one girl that just can't handle being on the show. Anyway, Hippy Lucy gets Juan Pablo to hopefully fix this whole situation.

...good luck, muchacho.

Man... even the sexy accent couldn't quite get drunk Victoria out of the bathroom.

This got me thinkin' - any early bets on who the next bachelorette will be? If you pick the correct person... I'll give you a rose.

And speaking of... dog lover Kelly got the group date rose. All because she had to dress up like poop for the photo shoot. I tell ya, it's easy to get a rose from this guy.

9:23 PM - Ok, all these girls are saying Juan Pablo is such a gentleman for how he handled the situation with drunk Victoria. Uh... news flash, ladies - he did nothing. Like... literally... he did nothing. He asked y'all to make sure she got home safely... they don't have control over that because the crew is going to handle that. So yeah... he... did nothing. And what else was he supposed to do with drunk Victoria? I guess he could've made fun of her... which would've been fine with me since SHE'S the one that couldn't be and adult.

[Commercial break!]

9:27 PM - We're all back at the house. The ladies are discussing drunk Victoria's antics from the night before. The crew apparently took her to another hotel and just let her crash there for the night.

So... yeah, Juan Pablo is now visiting with her. How old is this girl? She's acting like she's 20.

Anyway, everyone always has this excuse of being on the show and it's not easy and all these other people and blah, blah, blaaaaaaaaaah. They haven't really changed the show since uh... 2002.

9:30 PM - Is Juan Pablo gonna keep this girl around? Oh... haha, no, he's not. He did the right thing, obviously.

[Commercial break! Ha... just saw the M&Ms commercial with Juan Pablo. Boy was THAT cheesy.]

9:35 PM - Rose ceremony night! I wonder how you pack for this trip. And how often does ABC give them clothes? Because No one ever duplicates an outfit. I know for a fact I don't have that much dressy clothes.

9:43 PM - Former NBA dancer is breaking down because she's missing her son. Renee (the other single mom) has to comfort her. Renee has already been established as the "house mom" and if Juan Pablo is smart, he'll keep her around to help continue putting out these fires.

[Commercial break!]

9:50 PM - Final stretch and WHOA... we're just now getting our first appearance from Chris Harrison! I knew this episode was missing something.

Anyway... rose time. I have to admit, I have no clue who's going home.

First rose goes to... former NBA dancer, Cassandra!

Second rose goes to Nikki. I think he really likes her.

Andi, Elise, Sharlene, Renee, and Danielle get the next 5 roses. And speaking of, didn't even recognize Danielle since she straightened her hair. Total transformation!

Sweet, Hippy Lucy got the next rose. America has not had enough Hippy Lucy!

Allison, Chelsie and Lauren each get a rose.

*Turn up the dramatic music* Only 1 rose left! (And as always, we're reminded by Chris there's only 1 rose left... in case you can't count)

The final rose goes to... Christie!

That was intense. I thought those 2 going home were fairly strong candidates. No more news reporter girl or black girl. Man... this is a close race.

So... previews of what's to come on Sunday and the season. They're gonna give us a nice update of the bachelor couples still together and... apparently that includes Desiree and that guy she picked cuz the guy she REALLY wanted left.

Anyway, good stuff tonight. I think I'm going to allow myself to actually enjoy this season. Hopefully it's a good one!

Time to watch basketball! See ya next week!

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