Sunday, January 26, 2014

The Bachelor: If Juan Pablo told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?

Welp, another week, another 2 hours of Juan Pablo.

And speaking of... you hear what he said about possibly having homosexuals on the show? Well, if I were asked that question I'd say,

"No sir... there needs to be a black bachelor/bachelorette before there's a homosexual one. It's the least we could do for Dr. King."

Ok, that may not be word-for-word of what I'd say, but that's roughly what would be said. Anyway, now fans are all saying they won't watch anymore of this season. I have mixed feeling about moments like this because a lot of times in today's America, people aren't allowed to have personal beliefs/believe in something that isn't what all the cool kids believe in. And, we (media) continually put people in no-win situations. We don't like the standard, cliche answers, and we also don't seem to want actual honest answers. It's a vicious cycle.

Anyway, let's get this party started...

8:00 PM: SHOW TIME! And it looks like the girls are gonna start to get feisty!

Yo... this girl really gets to keep her dog the entire time?

8:02 PM: Ok... c'mon, Chris Harrison. That shirt is terrible. It looks like someone dipped you in paint up to your nipples. Go change.

Anyway, Cassandra gets the first date card of the day. Dang... and her first date is on a yacht. Wish I had a yacht. Actually, I just wish I had a friend with a yacht I can go on.

Ooo, I take it back, I wish I had that car/boat thing they're in. I be my friend Mike D'Avria would LOVE to have that for boat club. (Shout out to the D'Avrias!)

8:07 PM: Back at the house... somber moment. I'm gonna just... wait this out...

Aight, back to the date and it's yacht time! They're playing some acoustic guitar music, as usual, but they should REALLY be playing Jay-Z! #BigPimpin

[Commercial break]

8:13 PM: Second half of this date now. They're in somebody's house. He even put Camilla's artwork on the fridge. Make yourself at home, bro.

Back at the house... Kelly thinks she deserves a 1-on-1 date since she was on the last group date. Right on cue, she's the first name called for the next group date. Perfect.

8:17 PM: Now they're sharing cute kid pics. This date totally got boring for the non-parents.

Finally... Cassandra gets the rose. Not really a surprise. Juan Pablo definitely loves the ladies. He thinks they're all hotties. Can't lie though... he got a good crop of ladies.

8:21 PM: Oooohh man, previews of what's to come and there will be some terrible soccer playing on the group date. I can't wait!

[Commercial break]

8:24 PM: Group date time and Juan Pablo gets to show off his skills with the LA Galaxy B squad.

8:26 PM: The ladies are getting ready to play. They're practicing. Of all the sports that take a high combination of athleticism and skill, soccer and baseball are two sports that can REALLY make you look stupid.

Back at the house... ahh forget it, back to the group date! Blue team came out all... cute. Red team, on the other hand, came out gangstaaaaaaa.

Game time! Blue team scores first... and then start flexin' on 'em with the team celebration.

Hahahaha... Charlene keeps getting nailed with the ball. Ahh man... hilarious.

8:31 PM: Red team starts ballin' on them. Like... beat 'em down stuff. Juan Pablo tried to help the blue team out, but... yeah, too little too late.

This massacre is finally called off to end this half of the date.

[Commercial break]

8:37 PM: We're back. Everyone's all dolled up for the cocktail party. Mmm... that's... all I really have to say about this so far.

1-on-1 time with Andi. I think I like her. Oh... snap... and she got to make out with him in the kitchen.

8:40 PM: Back at the house, Elise is so excited about a possible 1-on-1 date. She said she even had a dream about it.

And right on cue... Chelsie gets the date card.

Opera singer Charlene has her private time with Juan Pablo. Uh... she got to make out with him but... she... doesn't look like a very good kisser. It just looked... awkward.

8:44 PM: I'm liking Andi less. Ugh, and Opera Singer. I guess when you go on the show, you just get lost in your feelings while in the romantic setting. You're on a show where you're 1 of the 25 ladies dating 1 guy...and you get shocked he kisses someone else? C'mon, son.

[Commercial break]

8:49 PM: We're back and it's Chelsie's turn for a date.

Uh... they're dancing in the car and umm... I don't know what song she's dancing to. And you know what... I think Juan Pablo just questioned it as well. #OffBeat

Guys... we're about an hour in and we have barely seen Hippie Lucy/a censor box. WTF, guys?!

Anyway, they're walking up to the bridge now where they're going to tandem bungee jump. If I were in her position... yeah, not sure how I'd react. I'm not really into the bungee jumping. I MUCH rather sky dive. The thought of bungee jumping makes my testicles quiver.

8:56 PM: Now Juan Pablo is trying to talk Chelsie into jumping cuz she's scared... as she should be. I'm not trying to jump off of any bridges either, Chelsie.

[Commercial break]

9:00 PM: Back on and Chelsie is totally freakin' out. They had to step off for a moment. At this point, he needs to just grab her, pick her up and jump. She's stalling. We're wasting time watching her be scared.

She's not getting a rose after this, right? I mean, you can tell HE wants to do this and she's totally been a buzz kill.

And now the instructor is getting impatient. Thanks to editing, there's no telling how long they were out there.

9:02 PM: They FINALLY jump. That took forever. Now they're hanging upside down kissing. She may still have a chance for the rose now.

Man, that took the entire time of the segment! Lame.

[Commercial break]

9:08 PM: Finally back on and it's dinner time for Chelsie. I won't be surprised if she doesn't get a rose. I have to agree with Elise, she does seem... young.

This date is boring... back to the house. Elise... again, talking about how young Chelsie is and for the 100th time, she says Chelsies seems like a baby to her.

9:12 PM: Back on the date and Chelsie gets a rose. I don't really see it, but whatevs.

I swear, these contestants act like they've NEVER seen the show before! Of COURSE there's a concert after your dinner and rose. They've only done it mmm. the past 3-4 seasons. Anyway... I'm glad she knows who this guy is singing. I know I don't know who he is... pretty sure Juan Pablo doesn't either, haha.

Also, for someone who likes to dance, she doesn't seem to be that good at it.

[Commercial break]

9:20 PM: We're back on and Juan Pablo looks like he's surprising the ladies in the house. Despite the fact that it looks like it's already noon outside there.

9:24 PM: My man Juan Pablo cancels the cocktail party and instead... we have a pool party.

Thank you, Juan Pablo.

[Commercial break]

9:30 PM: The pool party continues.

The ladies are hating that Kat got up on Juan Pablo's shoulders first. This IS a competition. This isn't the real world. Again, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT ON THIS SHOW?!

9:34 PM: Dang it... I've been spelling Sharlene's name wrong this entire blog. Oops...

Anyway, she's crying. It's her first time crying... oh and she snuck in some kissing. I swear... from what I've seen, I don't think she's a good kisser. And I honestly think Juan Pablo agrees with me.

Kinda funny, the other ladies can see them kissing. I don't think people actually like watching couples kiss in public, but on this show... they all just stare and send evil glares that are like darts piercing through the kissing couple's moment.

[Commercial break]

9:41 PM: Apparently, the majority of the girls are realizing this isn't an easy process.

Hey look, there's the House Mom Renee comforting yet another person.

Uh oh... Andi just referred to Clare as a "ticking time bomb." This makes think she must be a lil' crazier than we've seen. This also makes me smile in get a little giddy with anticipation of what may happen.

9:44 PM: I bet Juan Pablo is already sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired of hearing each of these girls talk about how hard this is and how it's just difficult for them to handle. He would much rather just cook and dance and play some soccer and have fun. All these feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelings. Boo.

9:46 PM: Chris Harrison arrives to let everyone know play time is over and uh... yeah, time for a rose ceremony and somebody gotta go home. Oh, and I'm really glad he's wearing a much better shirt today.

[Commercial break]

9:52 PM: Home stretch! Time to hand out some roses. Dang, these ladies clean up well too.

Aight, it's go time *insert dramatic music*

First rose goes to... Andi! No surprise there.

House Mom Renee, Kelly, Opera Singer Sharlene, Elise (man she was happy to get her rose too) and Kat are the next 5 to receive their roses. Lil' supised with Kelly, but whatevs.

Allison gets a rose! Claire gets a rose! IT's getting tight now... only 2 left!

Lauren gets a rose (surprised me... didn't even recognize her).

*Gasp* It's the final rose!

The final rose goes to... Danielle! Which means...

America must now say goodbye to Hippie Lucy. Our censor box count was dramatically lower than I'd hoped.  *Sigh* Maybe next time.

10:00 PM: Any of y'all watching the wedding of Sean and Catherine? Cuz I'm not. Someone will need to tell me how that one goes.

Ok, well that's a wrap. Fun as always, hope you all enjoyed the show. See ya next week!

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