Sunday, January 5, 2014

The Bachelor: It's that time again...Pre-season Rankings

#slacker #MIA #lazybum #deadweight

These are all hashtags one could use to describe my work with this blog as of late. Asha has done a wonderful job updating so I just thought - if ain't broke, don't fix it!

But fear not, oh glorious and faithful blog readers! For I have returned to the keyboard to apparently do what I do best on this blog and give you a proper preseason write up on the upcoming Juan-tastic season of The Bachelor.

So without further ado...

In case you missed it before, I did a preseason blind ranking of the bachelorettes for Sean's season of 'The Bachelor'. I broke them up into groups and, believe it or not, the season's winner was in my top pick in her group and stayed in my top 5 for the entire season. But that was definitely luck so we'll see what happens this season. Anyway, there's a ton of football on this time of year and I'm a bit lazy soooooo I won't actually RANK the ladies in this blog, just give you my "first impressions" and maybe even give out a rose before the end of this blog. Ok, I've stalled long enough... wait, one last thing, I suggest checking out the bios and reading along. It might help. (Full bachelorette bios can be found here)

(Warning: There are a ton of girls so this is kinda long.)

First Impression: She's pretty. I Like 2 of her favorite movies.
Bio Reaction: Typical answers. I like her aspirations to do missionary work, but honestly, the most interesting thing in her bio was when she referred to her "Abuela and Abuelo" because that made me say to myself, "oh... she's not white, she's hispanic."
Quick Grade: Didn't get much about you so hard to really give a grade. I'll be nice and give you a B.

First Impression: Another Catholic? Anyway, interesting top 3 movies; really girly, really girly, then 1 of the
manliest movies out there.
Bio Reaction: She got much better questions than Alexis. Her most outrageous thing was a move to Australia after college. I'd like to know why she did that. I'm not one of those people that can just up and move without some sort of plan. I mean, if needed, I could do it... but I need some sort of plan. So yeah, wonder why she went. Also, she got the classic, "stranded on a desert island, what 3 things ya bringing" question. I kinda liked her answers. Basically, she brought something to pass the time/entertain, some sort of companion and something for survival. That's smart thinking to me. I'm going to assume you couldn't bring made up stuff like a cell pBhone with unlimited battery power and service or something like that.
Quick Grade: If there was something between an A- and a B+, that's what she'd get.

First Impression: Nice smile. She's older than the usual crop of ladies on the show. I can tell by her favorite music choices... and her actual age. Oh, and she's from Florida but her favorite sports team is... The Clippers? I'd like to know how that worked out.
Bio Reaction: Overall... eh. But I will say, I really liked her answer to "if you wanted to impress a man, what would you do and why?" she said, "I would try to find out some secret wish or childhood dream, then figure out a way to make it come true. Something they've always wanted or wanted to try. We all have them and it means a lot when the person you love is invested in those things." Knowing how many sports-related dreams I have... that would be awwwwwwwwwwwwesome.
Quick Grade: I'm gonna give her an A- because after typing it out, I really liked her answer to that last question. We'll see how the season goes for her.

First Impression: I really, really, really don't like her top.
Bio Reaction: I'm still on her top. Am I just a guy and not hip to what's actually fashionable? Or am I right in not feelin' that top? Anyway, is Florida Juan Pablo's favorite state for the ladies? I mean, if that's true, good choice, Juan Pablo. Well, not sure if it's really her fault or not, but her bio questions and answers kinda just bored me. Sorry, Amy L... 
Quick Grade: ...unfortunately, I have to give you a C. I don't enjoy giving out a C... but somebody's gotta get one.

First Impression: I like her hair. 26 year old assistant district attorney, she's driven. Favorite sports are tennis and golf. Those are both... solo sports. I'm more of a team sport kinda guy, but solo sports take lots of self motivation which is something to be admired.
Bio Reaction: Ok, gonna let you know now this girl is getting an A. Her 2 outrageous things are getting a murderer convicted in 8 minutes and climbing the leaning Tower of Pisa. I can honestly say I didn't really think one of those things was possible. Also, peep her answer to the desert island question. She's a smart girl. I like it.
Quick Grade: Well after giving out the first C, now I'm giving out my first A+. We'll see how she does once the season begins. 

First Impression: Uh... well I don't have much of one. I like her 3 favorite sports. Dr. Seuss is cool too.
Bio Reaction: Starts off well with her desert island answers. She went with an unconventional answer (machine turning salt water to drinking water), but she listed 3 important things. I like it. What I also like... her apparent love for the Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks. Nothing screams "white American female" quite like a Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks. 
Quick Grade: Unimpressive start, but Ashley's bio answers were pretty good. Smart answers, an Oscar Wilde quote and a Pumpkin Spice Latte reference get you a B+!

First Impression: First thing I notice, she's a former NBA dancer. Things I now wanna know:

  • Which team?
  • She's only 21, how long did she dance?
  • Why is she no longer dancing for an NBA team?
Also, with her being just 21, what's the minimum age for this show? Would Juan Pablo really want his future wife to be young enough to possibly be his daughters big sister?

Bio Reaction: Ok... couple things here:

  • Your favorite food you start with spinach pie? I like to think I'm basically your average male and speaking as an average male, you kinda loss me with the spinach pie.
  • She listed 'quinoa'... thanks to this commercial, that made me laugh. 
  • Oh... but yeah, she better hope Juan Pablo is into the vegans cuz she listed a lot of non carnivore stuff. 
  • She also said she loves it when her date "holds her hand" and hates it when her date "doesn't hold her hand." Ok, now speaking as someone who likes to be hands-free, holding hands is overrated. What if I need to quickly defend us from an onslaught of angry ninjas but our fingers are all intertwined and I'm stuck holding your sweaty-palmed hand trying to fend them off with just one hand?! Huh?! What now?!

Quick Grade: Ok, so maybe this girl isn't for me. But that shouldn't be a factor on if she's the one for Juan Pablo. I was mean so... B- for you.

First Impression: First black female! ...that's all I got...
Bio Reaction: What I didn't like - she considers herself a romantic because she's "watched too many love story movies"... girl, you do know those are fake right? Although, I do consider myself an amazing football player since I've watched too many football games. So I see her point. What I did like - she claims to have gotten good at cooking. I'm gonna take your word for it cuz I like to eat!
One last thing, her last bio question seemed pretty racial to me, asking about dating a "certain someone". Seemed like they were basically asking, "how would your family feel if you dated/married a non-black dude?" 
Quick Grade: Racist questions will not prevail on this blog! She get a B ...for black power!

First Impression: She kinda sorta maybe a little bit reminds me of Kristen Bell. Maybe... do you see it? 
Bio Reaction: She seems like a very... kind person. I also liked her list of favorite snacks. It was very definitive. I don't have much else to say though and that might be due to the fact that I'm currently watching football so I might be just a lil' distracted.
Quick Grade: Umm... eh, here's a B

First Impression: What exactly does a Police Support Specialist do? Also, favorite game is Monopoly? I've never finished a game of Monopoly. I'll scroll up and go play board games with young Cassandra from earlier. Give me Sorry or UNO! 
Bio Reaction: Do all girls have a favorite flower? Serious question. Also, she said she's really clumsy and has embarrassing moments daily. That could be fun and entertaining... or embarrassing for everyone.
Quick Grade: Didn't get much from her bio soooo... B-

First Impression: We started this with almost all brunettes... now we're having a run of blondes. Anyway, an hour and 20 minutes... that's a long time, but an exact time frame so I would expect her to be ready not a minute later.
Bio Reaction: Her first question was about her 3 best attributes. Don't think I've seen this question yet. Anyway, I liked her answer of being "street smart." It's like subtly admitting you weren't the smartest kid in the classroom... but you're cool and not an idiot. 
Quick Grade: B+ for the street smart blondie!

First Impression: First impression... I find her to be very pretty.
Bio Reaction: Mixed feelings about her bio answers. She's basically worked like crazy to own a successful business and that's all very admirable. But then it's somewhat of a "Debbie downer" when she talks about she's never been on a vacation or experienced romance. Cry me a river... (jk)
Quick Grade: Ok, Clare. You're getting a B. Now listen up, this is basically your chance to experience some well planned and well executed TV romance with potential to take like... 4 vacations to various countries. Don't blow it! Don't do anything crazy. Don't get wasted on the first night. No need to show up in a wedding dress. Don't go all 50 shades of stupid either. You've got some potential... just be normal! 

First Impression: Mmmm... she mixed? We'll go with that. And if you didn't know, I'm pretty fond of the mixed girls. So fond that I married one. Anyway, nice to see it only takes her 30 minutes to get ready for a big night. I'm going to assume that might be closer to at least 45 minutes.
Bio Reaction: She seems like a cool chick. Her bucket list seems very attainable. Paris, hot-air balloon, learn to surf. She could totally knock those out. In fact, there's a good chance she could knock those out while on this show! 
Quick Grade: A-. Knock out that bucket list, Danielle. You can do it!

First Impression: Umm... yeah I don't have much of an impression just from the first glance. 
Bio Reaction: With her 3 bucket list items, she said 3 things in the first one. That made me chuckle.
Quick Grade: Overall... eh. I mean... nothing terrible, but nothing very entertaining either. C+.

Man... there are a lot of girls... ya boy is getting tired... 

First Impression: Another blonde. And another mid-westerner. Does Juan Pablo have a thing for the land-locked states?
Bio Reaction: Dang, did you read her bio answers? She seems pretty interesting. Claims to be a good girlfriend, went backpacking in Australia (by herself!), and she reads books! 
Quick Grade: A+ for you, Kat. Good luck this season!

First Impression: Her occupation is "Dog Lover." Umm... how much does that pay? Pretty sure I've been a dog lover for at LEAST 25 years.
Bio Reaction: Everyone has traveling as one of their 3 items on their bucket list. It's on my bucket list too. I'm gonna go ahead and declare "traveling" as an official universal bucket list item. So can we just eliminate that part? Like, yeah, we know you want to travel so just list something else.
Quick Grade: Mmmmm... B- cuz... just cuz, that's why.

First Impression: Oh snap... back to back gingers. Hey, red-headed people, do you dislike that term? (ginger) Just wondering. Anyway, bonus points for Kylie here for her picking Jumanji as her favorite board game. That was one of my favorite movies as a kid.
Bio Reaction: Biggest thing I took away from her bio answers - I agree with her 3 things she hates on a date. I don't think there's ever really a reason to be rude to your wait staff (or anyone), I could really care less  how much she eats... unless it's an ungodly amount, but that's for a man or woman. And yeah, how old are we here? chew with your mouth closed.
Quick Grade: Umm... eh, here's an A for you. Enjoy.

Ok seriously... I give up. Why are there nearly 30 girls?? It's too much. I apologize to those looking for grades for each of the girls but man... I can't do it. I was even going to give out my own first impression rose at the end of this too. Not anymore. Now I'm gonna go watch football and hold on to my man card while I can. Enjoy the season!

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