Some of you may have forgotten... I'm a man. Despite dedicating 2 hours every Monday to a ridiculous reality show, I LOVE sports, and Monday night was Game 1 of the NBA Finals, so of course I watched that instead. The lovely wife and I were also celebrating our 2 year anniversary down in Miami (blog post coming soon) so yeah, those were much higher on the priority list than the Bachelorette.
But have no fear, DVR is here! It's recorded, so now I'm going to watch and zip through commercials. Let's hope this is as good as my live version!
Ok, let's start the show...
Some previews of the upcoming episode(s)... uh...
oh. my. baby Jesus. Did I really just see all these dudes dancing in a rap video with Soulja Boy? Yeeaahhh, this should be interesting.
 |
| Quite the eclectic group. |
Ok, Chris is here, explaining how this whole thing works. Is this part really necessary? Who goes on the show not knowing how this works? Anyway, Brooks gets the first 1-on-1 date. That's... all I have to say about that, haha.
Cut to Dez prepping for her date. She was sketching and put on some lip balm stuff. Honestly, it was more exciting watching Sean get ready.
Haha, that guy pronounced "genuine" like the r&b singer, "ginuwine". #ignant
Ok, Brooks drives off in the girly Bentley. Time for this date!
[fast forward through commercials... hey, any of y'all gonna watch "Mistresses"?? Don't lie.]
Man... I just saw this fool Brooks do a super uncool thing - they're riding around in a convertible and he had his window up. C'mon, son.
Girls really like... wedding dresses huh? They're trying them on... then taking them off. I call that a waste of time.
Oh, aaannnnnnddd when there's a Bachelor and a girl wants to play wedding dress up, it's crazy... but it's not so crazy when there's a Bachelorette. (that 'ette' changes everything)
I forgot how annoyed I get hearing people on this show talk... about... everything about the show. Like... Did Dez plan this date? Did Dez get them access to go on the "Hollywood" sign since it's the 90th anniversary?
Ok, enough hating from me. So Brooks... he seems like a nice guy. I don't really have much to say about him. My boy DID get that kiss though. My man... get that rose, playaaaaaaa!
[time to fast forward again... but first... this Nissan commercial with the dancers... I don't know if I liked it or hated it... but I couldn't turn away!]
We're back annnnnnnnnnnnd Brookes is getting nervous because he doesn't realize Dez is tricking him driving round in the COMPLETELY ABANDONED city streets. Oh no, graffiti on the walls... universal sign of a ghetto. Anyway, Asha just pointed something out that I noticed but wanted to see more examples of - Brooks seems to like trying to finish Dez's sentences. If he continues this... that's going to be super annoying.
Back at the house and... one of these dudes is already upset he hasn't gotten a date card yet. Um, bruh... there's only been ONE DATE CARD. Anyway, first group date is coming up and my man Juan Pablo will be in attendance! I need to name something of mine Juan Pablo. Maybe my guitar.
HE DID IT AGAIN! Brooks, she pulled out the rose, yes we all know what she's going to say, but you don't have to finish her sentence!! Anyway, it's concert time and it's actually a familiar artist/song! I'm pretty convinced if I were a musician, I'd be pretty upset about giving a concert for 2 people that weren't my parents or some significance to me. Unless I'm getting paid pretty well, then I won't be too upset.
Promo for this group date... man I can't WAIT for this rap video...
[faaaaaaaaast forward...]
We're back. The guys have gone from one mansion to another. Dez has on a tight dress - perfect for a rap video.
I can't stop smiling at the fact they're going to be in a rap video. Oh Lord... Soulja Boy... YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
HA! Did y'all see my man Juan Pablo dressed up?
OHH LOOORRD, now they're background dancers. Wow. Hold on... I have to just watch this. I'll recap or something afterward...
[watching...]
Haha, people with little rhythm just... make me giggle.
[watching...]
This dude is like... in a t-shirt and.. a jock strap? ...ew.
[watching...]
Dez was the best rapper of them all.
Ok, hold up...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (just saw them group dancing)
 |
| It boggles my mind knowing there are white people that breakdance, salsa, cha cha, waltz, etc. REALLY well... and then there's these guys. |
Ahh... commercial time.
[commercial]
Annnnd we're back. Ya'know, I still don't know names of these guys. Only Juan Pablo and I think there's a guy named Ben.
Uh, ok wait... this guy just gave her an "antique journal" (doesn't look very antique to me) that "hasn't been written in" except that is HAS been written in by some random dad to his random daughter.
Huh?
Yo, there is a TON of hair gel in that house.
So Ben, he's playing the "single dad" card HARD. But hey, why do you play the game? "You play to WIN the game!" - Herm Edwards. (probably my favorite quote of ALL TIME!)
Ok, we're back and Ben has quickly been identified as the jerk in the group. Props to this one guy talking to Ben 1-on-1. IT's a bit unnecessary, but better to just man up and talk to him rather than complain about it all night/season.
Oh yeah, I forgot there were other guys in the house who haven't been on a date yet. Captain America gets the next 1-on-1 date. That was a quick little segment. Back to the group date - this Brandon guy, seems a bit serious. Oh, and now he's sharing some of his past and... well dang, he had an interesting childhood. Ok, this is way too serious right now. Just too much. I guess he's trying to get as much in as he can though so... hey, continue the word vomit, my brother.
He said he didn't expect to "fall in like" with her... *rolling my eye balls*
Ok, Dez gives the first rose to... Ben... the guy everyone kiiiinda hates. I can only imagine what that's like... being the 1 person to get a rose in front of everyone else. I feel their little piercing eyes all the way over here.
[commercial]
Man, even with fast forwarding through commercials, this is still super long.
Dez is driving around her lil' Bentley again. How many miles has she put on this thing already? Ha, I think it's pretty silly that whenever Dez drives up, EVERYONE feels the need to come out and see them drive off.
Ugh, this lil' date of theirs at the beach is not what I want to watch on TV.
UGGHHH again, they're in the car with the top down and the windows up! WHY?! (it BETTER be for recording/microphone reasons because it looks so DUMB.)
In other news, I bet a road trip through California would be nice.There's a lot to see there and... I like road trips so yeah, me thinks it'd be fun.
[cooooooooooomercial]
OK, time for the evening dinner portion of this date.
All of these guys have like... some SERIOUS background stories. Captain America was in quite a car accident.
Hahaha, ok these tweets they're showing throughout the show... totally ruined a nice moment there because I look down and read, "I hope Bryden gets a new barber."
 |
| Time for a haircut, bro. |
Haha, and now they're in the pool and it's CLEARLY time for him to go in for a kiss... and he just keeps rambling. See, I wasn't a super aggressive guy back in my day, however, back in my day when I didn't dive in for kisses, it wasn't recorded for the whole country to witness.
[fast forwarding through commercials]
Aww yeah, 2nd rose ceremony comin' up.
I still don't recognize half these guys. Can we just cut this down to about 8 already?
Did Dez tell ABC that she wanted a bunch of guys with issues? Captain America almost died in a car accident, other guy had no dad, mom on drugs and raised his own siblings, now this guy has type 1 diabetes. I'm not saying any of these things are bad or annoying or whatever - but like... each of them has something to talk about. Maybe I'm just uninteresting?
Ok, so Ben does come off as a bit... fake. But they don't have to all sit around and talk to him about it... again. That's how he's playing guys. Either stop complaining and keep on truckin', or switch up your strategy and do what you gotta do! Again - "You play to win the game! ...Hello!?" - Herm Edwards.
 |
| HERM! He also wears fancy socks. |
[commercials]
Back on annnnnnnnnnnd we're still talking about Ben. And now 2 other guys feel the need to talk to Ben solo. They are getting worked up over this uh... 3 minute conversation. Yeah, maybe it was a little rude or just not very... "sportsman like" but guys... it's a competition and just like you, he's there to win. Actin' like a buncha middle school girls.
These guys like to pick up Dez. She doesn't look heavy so I don't find it very impressive.
This has been a long cocktail party. It's FINALLY time to hand out some roses... after I fast forward through these commercials.
[commercials]
Rose time!
This rose ceremony just reminds me I need a new gray suit. 1/3 of them are in a gray suit tonight, including Chris Harrison. So yeah, I need a gray suit.
Ok, first rose goes to James. (who is wearing a gray suit!)
Casey, Dan, Juan Pablo, Brad and Chris all get roses next. And all of them except Juan Pablo I don't recognize.
Bryden gets his next followed by Zac W, Drew, Mikey, Zac, and Michael.
Only 1 rose remaining!! The final rose goes to...
Brandon! Figured that out once I saw who all was left.
Ok, well... Dez has continued the streak, black dudes just... ain't gonna go far on this show. This episode also featured a TON of faces I didn't recognize.
Ah man, one of the faces I didn't recognize, he's from Charlotte. Maybe I'll see him around. (obviously I'm joking)
Oh my God I was hoping to actually see this video...
Never mind, that was lame.
So what did I learn tonight? I learned that keeping up with this show via DVR is almost harder than doing it live.
I learned that there should've been more of Juan Pablo on screen.
I learned that this show just ain't for black dudes.
And I learned Dez is a better rapper than all of the other guys.
Ok, that's a wrap. See you next week/next episode.
No comments:
Post a Comment