Tuesday, May 28, 2013

The Bachelorette: Back by popular demand!

The people have spoken and the Bachelor(ette) blog returns.

I debated on whether or not this blog topic had run it's course. Whether or not people still wanted to read my random thoughts on this stupid show. Whether or not I had the energy to sit through another season and commit 2 hours EVERY Monday night.

(Starting to rethink this...)

Anyway, it seems like some of you are still interested. Plus, this show helps me pull my weight around here on this blog (in case you didn't know, for some reason, Asha does most of the heavy lifting here. I'm just the pretty face).

So yes, I'm back for another season. And by the way, I'd like to add that there is some terrible timing with this show. Don't they know the NBA playoffs are on?! And it's in the conference finals! I was doing so well holding on to my man-card. (I even made the leap and got it laminated!) And now I have to split sports time with this show... again. The Spurs have the chance to sweep the Grizzles tonight! The old players from San Antonio are BALLIN' right now. The series is being shown on an ABC network (ESPN). It's like ABC doesn't even care about the fringe man-card members out there.

Anyway, I just turned in my man-card (again). Time to get comfortable. Let's start the show...

8:00 PM: Oh yeah... Dez is the bachelorette. Is it 'Dez' or 'Des'? We need to decide this now because I'm going to be using that a lot.

Man... I fall for these dramatic promo cuts every time! Curse you, ABC editors! (I think that job is secretly on my "dream jobs" list.)

8:02 PM: Ya know... I feel a little better about myself and my man-card situation while watching the Bachelorette because these dudes do a ton of stuff I'd just... never do. There are really only 2 women I would cry over in non-death related scenarios - my wife and my mom. NOT the random girl I "fall in love" with within a couple months.

8:04 PM: Dez (I went with the 'Z') needs a new car. She's THE BACHELORETTE now, time to step your game up, playa.

Anyway, they just cut to when Dez was on the show as a contestant... and when she was uh... let go. I wonder if Sean and Catherine are watching this season... I wonder if Emily and Jef are watching this season...

8:07 PM: Word, my man Chris Harrison gave her a new car. Well... "gave" her a car. Oh dang... that's a Bentley. #Bawlin'

So Malibu looks fun. Anyone I know ever been? Is it as awesome as it looks right now on this show?

Ok, commercial time. Gotta get ready for all the cheesy stuff the guys bring.

Whoa... did I just see a dude doing the Harlem Shake? This could get interesting.

Oh, 1 more thing - over/under on 2.5 black dudes in this first 25? (There better not be 1 mixed guy up here)


8:14 PM: We're back. Asha said she tried on the same top Dez is wearing.

Interview time with Chris Harrison. To sum it up - Chris wants to see some action. Bring on the first date kissing!

8:19 PM: I can't believe I'm watching the Bachelorette to end my Memorial Day. I didn't thank the troops for THIS opportunity. (Actually, I did. Having the freedom to watch all the mindless television I want is about as American as it gets. Thanks, troops!)

8:20 PM: Dez comes out... still in silver. STILL in second place. When are you gonna learn, Dez?! #AlwaysABridesmaid

Commercial coming. Oooo, there's a magician! I've already placed him in the top 5. Oh snap, and there's a black guy... who could potentially be mixed! I should've done a preseason ranking for this.


8:24 PM: Ok, we're back, getting the schpeal from Chris Harrison - like we don't already know how the show works.

Hey, first guy is a vet. How fitting.

Uh oh... black guy. He seemed... OK until he did the "I LOVE THIS WOMAN" thing. C'mon, black guy. We (black guys) NEVER go far on this show. We need you to represent, man! Don't go on this show acting all dumb.

Hey, another guy from Chicago. Chicago, you have a lot of single men.  Ohh, he's the magician. Yeeeessss!!

8:27 PM: Yo, some of these dudes make me wanna do some crunches. Mainly this... naked guy...

Haha, the next guy has some big lips. Like... didn't see that coming. WHOA, nor did I see that his dog only has 1 eye.

8:29 PM: Man.. this next guy, his ENTIRE family is British. You're an attractive guy and with an accent, there'd be no reason for you to be on the Bachelorette. Your dumb self went and lost the accent. Idiot! You know how many of us want a non-American accent?! (other than a Southern accent, of course) I'd like an Australian accent. If I had it, best believe I ain't losing it. He's messed up already.

We have another guy who had family problems as a child. Did Dez ask for these types to be on the show? Makes me thankful for my family and childhood.


8:36 PM: We're back... and this is taking forever to get to the guys actually getting there to meet Dez.

Ok, the first limo has arrived! Welcome to the party, chumps!

First out is Drew. He's a digital marketing analyst. That's... kinda the same job I have, except he looks like he may get paid a lil' more than I do. So with that said, I like Drew.

Next out, Brookes. Uh... Brookes? Ok, whatever. I'm not feelin' it from you anyway.

Ok, Brad comes strolling out. He brought a wishbone, first cheesy gift of the season! Congrats, Brad!

And next - Bryden, military guy. No cheesy gifts from him.

Michael... I like his suit. I've been wanting a nice, grey suit. That's all I have to say about him...

Casey came out and... it looks like he was wearing sneakers. He works in social media... and now he's saying hashtags for Dez. That was lamer than me using hashtags in this blog! #lame

Will aka black guy aka lightskin comes out next. Nicknames her "Athena"... cheesy.

Oh snap, why didn't anybody tell me we had a dude from Hickory, NC on the show?! Haha, he brought the fantasy suite key out for the INTRO! My man is brave. It uh... definitely bombed. Good try though.

Shirtless guy steps out. He has PLENTY of reason

James comes out a lil' too serious for me. Busting out the loyalty speech... too much.

Larry comes out. I think it said he's a doctor. And now he's teaching her dance moves... HAHAHAHA, annnnddd it screwed up her dress. Nice.

Ahh yeeessss... the magician. I missed his name, so I will call him Hudini! If I knew magic, I would do it ALL THE TIME. Which reminds me, I want to see that movie "Now you see it"... or is it "Now you see me"? Whatever, you know what I'm talking about.

Oh lord... Diogo comes out in a FULL, emphasis on FULL, suit of armor. The way he was walking around in that, I can't believe people FOUGHT in that.

8:48 PM: On the first night, I think we can always count on the at least one of the ladies just drinking too much. But with the guys, I think we're guaranteed plain stupidity.


8:53 PM: We're back and Chris comes out... drops to 1 knee like he's proposing annnddd... ties his shoe. Funnier if we didn't all see it coming. But hey, it made Dez laugh and that's what counts right now.

Man, these dudes are just poppin' out of limos like crazy. I can't keep up.

I can, however, keep up with Juan Pablo. Yup, gonna talk like that for the rest of the night.

Brandon rode up on the chopper. Too cool for school.

Jesus, how many guys are left?! I'm getting tired.

Whoa... Micah came out uh... I guess it's funny, but that's a terrible suit he designed himself. But hey, do you, playa.

Next guy came out, I don't know his name. He wrote a poem. I think every guy knows that when it's time to be cheesy and all lovey, dovey with your girl, you do that in private. Yes, you can do some romantic public displays of your love, but on TV... it just looks cheesy.

Dang, the lil' kid just stepped out and even HE has a pimpin' grey suit. I'm jealous. Bold move bringing your kid to the intro. Is he going to stay for drinks? Oh, no... dad said he's gotta go back to grandma. Peace out, kid.

OK, we FINALLY have all 25 bachelors in the mansion. Now the party can really begin!


9:03 PM: Annnnnnd we're back! See what Sean started with his handing out roses all willy nilly? Chris just gave Dez persmission to hand out roses as she pleases.

Uh... social media guy is yet again saying hashtags... C'mon, son?!

Haha, Magic Mike (that's what I'm calling the magician guy Nick) steps up and... haha, got 'em. Everybody thought he was doing a magic trick (I really wanted him to) and he tricked everybody. Good move.

Aight, and the claws have come out (do guys have claws? Let's replace that with swords!)

And the swords have come out! (yeah, much better) Already interrupting the one-on-one time. Let the games begin!

9:09 PM: Ok... these one-on-ones are... kiiinda boring.

Ok, so Ben gets the first rose. Good work, Ben. I think if I were the bachelor, I would carry all of the roses with me, so I wouldn't have to walk across the entire mansion to go pick up 1. Plus, it'd make everyone all anxious seeing the plate of roses right in front of them.

Haha, all the guys are now punching Ben in the face in their head.


9:16 PM: The talk is spreading - Ben has a rose.

Uh... whoa... and... there it is. Dude was just... going to town doing the Harlem Shake for Dez. Looked silly with no music.

Shirtless guy... I'mma need for him to put a shirt on. And of course, he took his pants off and jumped in the pool. Goodbye, shirtless guy. It was fun while it lasted.

Aww, Dez gave him a rose for jumping in the pool. How nice of her. Let's see if he packed any shirts and has one on next week.

Moving on... Captain America aka Bryden aka military guy gets a rose. Good stuff.

Oh yes... time for some Juan Pablo! How stereotypical - Juan Pablo plays soccer. I bet Will, the black guy, plays basketball. (Actually he does that super sweaty yoga... very not black male of him to do.)

Oh, now everybody is playing soccer. This would be fun, I excel at team sports!


9:28 PM: We're back annnnnd everyone is just waiting around... wanting a rose.

Oh, just got confirmation - Catherine (from last season of the Bachelor) is, indeed, watching the show right now. Glad we got that cleared up.

Haha, dancing doctor is reflecting and apologizing for that terrible moment of attempted dancing. And now he's getting awkward during his one-on-one time.

So, let's talk about how disappointing our boy from Hickory is. Hahahaha, he said he's going to try and kiss Desiree on the mouth. Does he like... really think this "fantasy suite" thing is working? Ugh... why does he have to be from NC? How can I put this delicately... he's umm... kind of... a... hmmm... gotta remember my audience here...

He comes off as a really big... donkey. Yeah... donkey.

He's currently talking about his "love tank"... I... don't know what he's talking about. Oh lord, my man came BACK for another round.

Haha, YES... he said fantasy suite AGAIN! He STILL doesn't get it! Ha, big surprise - she just went ahead and sent him back to Hickory. Big dummy.

(side note: I'm definitely, already super tired and done with social media guy. It's people like him (that basically take social media a little too far) that make other people look down on people who work with social media (and are good at it). Did that make sense? Basically, you don't have to end all of your sentences with an audible hashtag just because you work with Twitter. I work with social media and if I met anyone who talked like that, I'd look down at them too (not really, but maybe a little bit. you know what I'm sayin'...)

I missed a lot of the show thanks to the previous paragraph. Anyway, Chris came in, time for Dez to hand out some roses.


9:42 PM: We're back... Chris breakin' down for the fellas.

Rose = you stay, no rose = peace out. Simple math.

I've predicted that the black will stay for at least 1 more week. Let's see how this ceremony goes...

Actually, I'm not really going to say anything during this ceremony unless
1. black guy gets a rose or,
2. something/someone does something stupid
3. Juan Pablo gets a rose.

... blah, blah, blah...

Yeeessss, black guy gets a rose!

... blah, blah, blah...

Boom. Juan Pablo gets a rose. Yay, diversity!

Some of these dudes are lookin' super nervous...

Hold up... has Houdini gotten a rose yet?! No, he hasn't! C'mon, Dez!

They keep showing the guy who came in the armor like he's going to stay. Please...

DEZ?!! You forgot to give Houdini a rose!! Not surprised most of those other suckers are leaving, but man... you gotta keep Magic Mike for at least 1 more week!

"I shouldn't have done that... I shouldn't have done that... no..." - suit of armor guy. Guess hindsight is still 20/20, bro. What he should've done was tighten up that tie knot. Sloppy, sloppy.


9:56 PM: Time for more previews of the season. So far, looks like every other season. You remember that Bachelorette season with umm... Ashley? On that season she made the guys do some Muay Thai fighting and 1 dude got a concussion. I want that to happen on this season.

Well, episode 1 is complete. Saw a lot of men crying in those previews.


They end the show with a bunch of magic tricks from Magic Mike. This is what we're now going to miss out on, Dez!! By the way, that guy is incredibly wrong about magic - it's awesome and he WISHES he could do it. (However, just like anything else, if you're kinda lame doing it, then it's kinda lame)

Ok, we're off to a good start. Let's hope the boys remain entertaining throughout the season. See ya next week.

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