Sunday, August 11, 2013

The Bachelorette: This is the END.

Although we've coooome 
to the eeeeeeeend of the rooooooad
Still I caaaaaan't let you goooooo
It's unnatural, 
you belong to me, 
I belong to yoooooooooooooooou

We did it! We've reached the end. Gotta admit, it was looking a little iffy for me back when everyone was arguing with James about what he said (or didn't say). But I made it to the end. Because I'm a winner. See kids, some perseverance, toughness and determination can get you through anything!

Ok, let's start this finale. 

Oh yeah, we're LIVE! Well, I have a confession to make - I'm totally not live. Had to record this. So yeah, no time stamps tonight. Hopefully this all flows...

I almost forgot about all the waterworks from the previous episodes. Glad that's over.

Chris is addressing the audience. Oh, and we get to find out who the next Bachelor will be. 

Confession #2: Yeah, I don't think I really want to see any of these guys. But maybe, like most guys, they'll be a little different with 20 attractive women are fighting for him.

We open with a somber Dez talking about Brooks leaving. Blah, blah, blah... Chris is here!

Wow... and he immediately goes into psychiatrist mode.

Chris: "How ya doin'?"
Dez: "I'm OK."
Chris: "Really?"
Dez: "...yeah."
Chris: (big sigh) " you're not."

Lots of silence... then silence broken by sniffling from Dez... this is kind of... turrible (Charles Barkley voice).

How much is Dr. Harrison charging for these sessions?

Ok, we've moved on (finally) to talk about the guys who are actually left. Every time she talks about them, they basically sound like they're in the "friend zone". 

I would NOT want to go on a date with her after all that mess. And I know the guys will probably say something like how they feel bad for her and want to just console her and blah, blah, blaaaaaaah. But really... don't nobody wanna be around that. (That was some terrible english, but I had to get ghetto with that sentence)

[Commercial breeeeeeeeeak]

We're back. I don't get much of a break when we can fast forward through commercials. Anyway, it's rose ceremony time. Guys came out looking sharp in their suits. Would've been better with a tie though... 

Chris just broke the news to the guys that Brooks left. I saw and heard them cheer in their heads.

They look so concerned. Well, Hilfiger always looks like that.

Now Dez is explaining how/why Brooks left. She's holding back tears... I wonder if the guys are like, "hey girl, you're a lil' too emotionally attached to that Brooks guy right now..."

Ugh... Dez is crying (again). As a guy, it absolutely sucks having to sit in front of a girl/woman as she cries. Especially when you're the reason she's crying (obviously). Everything you say while she's crying just sounds stupid, haha.

She's handing out the roses. This seems silly... but how awesomely hilarious would it be if one of them actually didn't accept the rose? Would've been classic. 

Oh yeah, this is live. The folks in the audience... they all just seem so... corny.

[Commercial... fast forwarding...]

And we're back. Chris hyping up the crowd. Someone's gotta keep the folks awake.

WHOA.. I see... 3 non-famous men in the audience! What's going on? They were forced there by gun point, right?

Ugh... Chris is "interviewing" audience members. Whoa... this lady... I don't like her dress/skirt... thing. And man, these ladies have a lot to say. Haha, and the 1 married woman he's talking to said the realest thing any of these ladies said. She said Brooks should've asked for advice from a MAN, not his sister and divorced mom. Oh, and then another lady said the next realest statement - neither of those dudes should propose at the end of this since CLEARLY she's in love with Brooks.

Brooks' pimp-hand is SO strong right now.

Ok, it's date time with Hilfiger aka Drew. Horseback riding down to the beach. Have I told you guys about my 1 and only experience horseback riding? It was on our honeymoon... in the wild jungle of Belize. Our guide was talking about jaguars and crap in there... yeah, I was NOT feelin' that... 

Anyway, Dez has already confessed to the camera she ain't feelin' Drew right now. Big surprise. She's sitting down with Drew now and told him they need to talk. Look at Drew's face... he knows what's coming. 

He's literally bracing himself.

And boom goes the dynamite. Dez is crying and she has dropped the bomb on Hilfiger that he is NOT the one. What do you say right now if you're Drew? 

"I don't know... I don't know... I just... I don't know..." - Drew. (see, he didn't know what to say either.)

Welp... Drew has begun his long walk alone on the beach. I hope he doesn't have to literally walk back to his room. I mean, can a brotha at least get the horse?!

Poor Drew - had to take a long horse ride down to the beach just to get dumped. And THEN had to walk back. Sucker.

Ok, after this incredibly long walk (they seriously didn't give him a horse?!) he walked up the get-away van and rode off.

Hahaha, the audience is like... shocked. Complete silence. They're more entertaining than the actual episode.


Chris is throwing out a bunch of teaser questions. Gives ya the feeling he's really... reaching for some reaction. 

Now it's date time with Chris. It looks like he and Drew maybe shop at the same place? 

Well, there's way more talking, smiles and kissing on Chris' date. Could probably fast forward now since... clearly this date is going well.

Oh snap! There was a fish just skipping along the water! Brought just a smidge of excitement to this date.


Dinner time! Also, I can't believe they [ABC] stretched this out for 2 hours. This is more ridiculous than their usual over-stretching 2-hour episodes.

Totally zoned out during this portion of the family. All I know is Chris was sweating a lot. I guess it's hot in there.

Oh look, Chris has given her a fresh new journal. 

"I bet Zak is SO salty." - Asha. 

I couldn't have said it better myself! (And it's pretty clear I've rubbed off on her just a lil' bit)

Jesus, can we please get a commercial break?! 

"Psh, I'm not watching that crap." - Jesus

Ugh, Dez is crying again... I can't take this!

[Commercial... thanks, Jesus.]
("You're welcome." - Jesus)

Ok, we're back and Dez's friends are in the audience... ladies from Sean's season... oh, and Sean and Catherine. 

Chris is talking to last season's ladies. He's talking to the girl that got the least amount of camera time last season. She looks like a Barbie. Did I say that last season? 

I liked Lesley. She was one of my favorites on Sean's season. 

I baaarely paid any attention to that segment. Whew... this is getting tough.


We're back and it's time to meet Dez's family! I hope her parents are still kinda hippy weirdos and her brother, of course, is still a weird idiot.

Oh, mom still looks the part. So yeah, I think we're good.

Oh, ok we're just gonna open up with the interview questions from the family.

Dez's brother has a lot of questions. I think he prepped for this last night. Like... I think he wrote down his questions and practiced in front of the mirror. I bet he feels like Larry King or Matt Lauer right now.

Haha, they moved to the dinner table and my man is STILL firing the questions. 

Ok, finally time to sit down and talk with Dez's father. Um... I think Chris has talked this entire time. Haha, her dad is a man of few words. Very few words. But Chris, on the other hand, was a little chatter box. By the way, he says, "100%" a lot. 

Haha, ok now it's time for Dez to have her 1-on-1 with her brother. First of all... he looks kinda sun burnt. 

"He [Dez's brother] should be the next bachelor." - Asha.

Genius. He ABSOLUTELY should be the next bachelor. I'm 100% in support of this. How can we make this happen?!


Back on. My man Chris is doing the traditional visit with Mr. Neil Lane. He seems kinda weird to me.

Ok, let's somehow speed this process up. We only have 1 proposal to watch so let's get this going. Will she be with Chris? Will she reject him? Will Brooks magically come back?! 


This has to be the home stretch, right?

Yup, it is.

Ok, Chris is making his long walk up to see Dez. 

Ha... Chris is nervous. He also kinda sounds like he's going to cry. Yeah, he's definitely fighting tears. 

Hahahahaha... he was about to drop down to 1 knee and she stopped him. I bet his heart dropped to his stomach when she did that. Anyway, she's talking to him now... 

Haha, she told him she sent Drew home and he couldn't hold his smile, haha.

Haha, she hit Chris with the "okie doke" talking about Brooks and making him think he was about to get rejected. Yeah, I saw the confusion on his face. But then she brought it back and... well, she kinda... proposed to him.

I started the last 3 paragraphs laughing. That's a good sign, right??

Ugh, all this crying... 

OK, he finally proposed. She said yes. Yay.

Now that we got that out of the way, can we get a quick update from Brooks like, right now? I really, really dont' want to watch the "after the rose" special. 

Oh, we get a lil' montage first... 

Oh, and of course, the final rose.

Ah man... now more montage? Ugh... 

You did it, Chris! You're the last man standing. You're #1! Enjoy the next couple of months because, according to the stats, there's a good chance you're going to be single again. Sorry, bro.

Ok, it's finally done. Oh no, the "after the rose" special immediately started. I need to go before I get sucked in. Anyway, another season in the books. It was super boring. I guess it had it's highlights (that weren't very high) but yeah, it's all over now. Thank you to everyone who continued to read along. I greatly appreciated that.

Now... it's football season! Gimme my man-card back!

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