The Bachelorette: The trophy wife goes to Croatia!

I'm late!

No, I haven't missed my period. I'm 10 minutes late on the Bachelorette.

So the wife filled me in. My first question - where exactly is Croatia? Let's Google it.

 - googling -

Dang, Croatia looks nice!

Oh snap! AND Emily sent her baggage... I mean Ricki... back home to Charlotte. Now the party can really begin!

8:13 PM- We come back and it's dinner time for Travis and Emily. It looks like they're eating in a prison.

8:15 PM- Ryan pulls yet another Pimptastic move and gets the next 1-on-1 date. Side note: his beard is kinda weird. Now... I can't speak TOO much because I literally can not grow a beard and for that, I am jealous. However, I can still point out funny lookin' facial hair and that dude's facial hair is kinda funny.

8:17 PM- Uh oh... Emily hit us all with the "okie doke". She grabbed the rose, spoke nicely of Travis... then dropped the BOMB. The look on Travis' face says, "I really wanna kick you in the shin right now." He almost cried too, glad he didn't. I feel bad for him though because man... that hurt me a little bit. He was feelin' good and everything.

Uh oh... he went and tossed the umbrella while walking in the rain. This confessional... my man is hurtin'.

Ahh jeeze the tease before commercial break shows Doug choked up. Have the guys unleashed the waterworks this easily on other seasons? I mean, my lord... bunch'a leaky faucets all over the place. I wonder if the people in these other countries, England and Croatia, think American men just cry all the time.

Commercial for Jimmy Kimmel is on. I like him, he's funny. Plus Bill Simmons (one of my favorite sports writers) worked with him and I can see the same humor.

8:23 PM- Back from commercial. That one guy (apparently his name is John "Wolf") wants this group date to be daring.

Haha, they're sitting in the theater... they look like the two old guy muppets that make fun of all the muppets in the muppet movies. I love those guys.

Man they got to see 'Brave'. I kiiiiinda want to see it as well.

8:26 PM- They're going to compete in their own Highland Games. Chris thinks he will be the bravest. We'll see...

Poor Arie, like he said, last week he had to wear a dress, this week a kilt.

Haha, they're really gonna do some Highland Games competitions. It always gets me interested when there's sports involved. You remember on the last season of 'the Bachelor' where the ladies had to play softball? That moment had the highest Jeremy viewer rating of the entire season.

So Kraft now has their line of "anything dressing". I wonder if they realize that people already put their dressings and sauce on anything. At least I do. I'll dip almost everything in some ranch and/or honey mustard.

8:30 PM- we're back and these dudes are riding some donkeys.

Chris is almost... TOO amped for this group date.

My God I wish I had a Scottish accent.

These dudes are a bunch of... Katniss Everdeens (see what I did there). They're surprisingly good at this... except for Chris.

Hahahahaha... ahhhh hahahahahahahaa. I should rewind and watch that awkward shot again.

Wow... and he wanted to go first tossing this log. Big surprise... he was disqualified.

Dang Hulk aka Sean broke the log. Well now I feel like I need to do some push ups or something.

8:35 PM- This tug-o-war game looks kind of fun. I'm gonna ask Asha to play later.

This fool Chris picked Doug. Surprise... he LOST. What is wrong with this man? Poor decision making on his part today.

8:36 PM- She better not give this bravery award to Chris. Like... for real... man, I knew it. Emily is confusing bravery with stupidity. And lameness. I hope he gets sick from kissing her.

8:38 PM- haha... they're all cold and shivering in their lil' kilts.

Yeeeessssss. The wife and I TOTALLY just played some Highland Games during commercial break. That tug-o-war game was fun.

There was a commercial for some teen that had a spear in his head. Gonna be on 'Good Morning, America'. I might have to record that one...

8:43 PM- We're back. Chris opens up this segment basically telling us that he's really feelin' himself and feels good at the moment.

Emily and Sean are talking on what looks like the most uncomfortable bench in the world. And it's cold.

8:45 PM- Arie apologizes for the London incident. That's not really why I brought that up. What I wanted to talk about is the fact that there was hardly ANYONE on the streets of Croatia. 5 people <-- that equals the number of people I counted in the background while they walked.

Ok, I lied. I didn't exactly count the people, but you get the point.

8:47 PM- So Ryan is by himself at the house. And apparently he played professional football. Notice he didn't say "NFL" cuz... there's a big difference. I also noticed that he was touchin' up the beard. We'll see if he actually fixed it.

8:51 PM- Ugh... she's giving Chris the rose. And it doesn't look like she's pulling the okie doke on this one either. Ladies, I need to know, is he as attractive as Emily thinks? He reminds me of this.

Google comes through again. So Ryan's professional football career consists of arena football and then in the NFL's Europe League (didn't really know they had that, but I'm not surprised). I just needed to know.

Commercial break: BP had the Olympic-themed ad. I love the Olympics. I get pretty patriotic and it's just captivating watching athletes (really anyone) compete so passionately in one thing.

8:56 PM- haha.. Ryan is funny. He hit them with the humble brag, "I didn't think I'd get the first second date since I got the first date..." *pats himself on the back*

Haha, Ryan was trying to throw that game at Emily in front of everyone. That was funny... mainly because it was really corny.

8:59 PM- they're going on a road trip. I wonder how it feels to drive on the other side of the car... while on the other side of the road.

Dang, that was a nice little scenic spot.

Do you like oysters? I've never had 'em before and I'm pretty sure I'd react like Emily did (spittin' it back out).

9:01 PM- hahahahahahahahahaha... that random old man was talking (yelling really) at them showing them a picture of him when he was younger.

9:02 PM- And Ryan drops the "trophy wife" again. He really hasn't gotten it that uh... she doesn't like that.

Commercial break: man... I had chicken pox... now I'm paranoid I'm gonna get shingles!

9:06 PM- And we're back. It's dinner time and I was thiiiiiis close to complimenting Ryan on his suit and then... he has on some ugly turquoise shoes. That's like a clean car with dirty tires.

9:08 PM- This trophy talk is stupid. However, Emily IS dressed like an Emmy award on this date.

9:09 PM- OH loooooooooooooord, who gave Ryan a pen and some paper AGAIN? He just HAD to write down 12 things he wants in a woman.

However, Emily looks rather disinterested. And I think Ryan feels that this is not going how he planned it. And guess what... it's not. Emily is spittin' the truth right now.

Uh oh... rose time. She grabbed it... but that's how she got poor Travis.

Hahahaha, Emily complimented Ryan saying he's good looking and with his face he said, "haha... I know."

BOOM... Emily hits us with the okie doke AGAIN. No rose for Ryan and he is piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed/ completely shocked. He admits he didn't see it coming and man, this has potential to get feisty. Ryan is on the defense now. Interrupting Emily, saying she's making the wrong choice and missing out. He's trying to talk himself back into this... and I think it's working. He got her to admit that she's unsure of her decision. Man, this dude is so Pimptastic!

9:14 PM- they went to commercial. Just like a female, she became SO indecisive (sorry ladies). She needs to just be like a male and make quick, emotionless decisions. Shoot first, ask questions later (this is how wars are started by the way).

Ah man, I need to watch Wipe Out.

9:19 PM- We're back and the guys are discussing if Ryan will come back or not. It's a good discussion because he's in a fight right now.

(P.S. - I just got word the Bobcats finally hired a head coach and it's not who anyone was talking about.)

Yess, back to Ryan and Emily. He's still fighting... basically told her she's making the wrong decision. She wasn't strong with it, but she did it. I'm gonna miss Ryan's playalistic lines for Emily. I wish they'd run a montage of Ryan and his classic lines ("trophy wife" and "don't get fat" for example). But no... we just get his lonely walk through the alleys of this... castle place they're at.

9:24 PM- The guys are happy Ryan's luggage was taken. He thinks he built great relationships with everyone... but they're celebrating. That was funny. Good editing.

You can tell Ryan is one of those guys that isn't used to losing or rejection because when it happens... he CAN'T STOP TALKING. Just a complete vomiting of words. He's got to hear himself speak highly of himself so he can feel better.

9:28 PM- I've been holding my pee for quite some time. I gotta go before I embarrass myself.

Sweet, embarrassment avoided AND I made it back in time for the show.

9:30 PM- None of the other guys seem to be worried that Emily is now droppin' them like 3rd period French.

So Arie comes to visit Emily. Taking a page out of Kourtney's book (it's called 'Winning').

9:33 PM- Arie just got Ryan's rose. He should demand that it count and he's safe for the ceremony.

Ugh, they're doing some loud kissing at the moment. Not cool. Microphones are picking up too much right now.

Arie is a very... passionate kisser. Like... there's no "pecking" with this guy. He's grabbing her hair and stuff every time they make out. Calm down a lil' bit man. Leave a lil' for the imagination every now and then, my goodness.

9:40 PM- Back from commercial break and it's rose ceremony time. Hey, I just realized my top 5 (for the most part) are left in the last 6. Now I'm interested to see who she sends home. Emily just told us John and Doug are on the bubble right now.

9:42 PM- John pulls out his grandparents' funeral cards. Very sincere story, but I feel like it's putting him in the express lane heading straight for the friend zone. For his sake, I hope it works out for him. If it does, well then I need to find something kind of sad to keep in my wallet.

9:44 PM- It's Doug's turn now. Let's see what he does and says to make himself cry.

Emily is trying to make Doug a lil' more comfortable by placing his arm around her. Haha, I remember in 6th grade on a band trip, this girl in 8th grade was flirting with me and did that. Quite possibly the best bus trip I've ever taken. I even kicked out my friend to make room for her, haha. She was an 8th grader... had to be done. I didn't feel bad about it at all either, haha. But don't worry, I was a nerd and she was just being nice. Still had to take advantage of my moment though. Carpe diem. Anyway, whole point of that was to say... it was awesome.

9:47 PM- dang, I was in the zone reminiscing about my field trip... I look up and see Doug fighting tears. He's talking about his son (no surprise there). He's an ugly cryer.

Commercial time... another one for the movie, 'Brave'. I just did my own little Scottish accent for Asha. Nailed it. I'll be getting a rose tonight.

(For those who were wondering, Bobcats named former St. John's assistant coach Mike Dunlap as their new head coach. Nope... I haven't heard of him either.)

9:52 PM- Ok, this should be the final segment of tonight's episode. The 2 guys on the bubble share their feelings with one another.

Man, I wish I came up with this show.

9:54 PM- Rose ceremony begins. Obvious choices get their rose... and then Emily walks out. It would've been hilarious if she just left it that... but she went to talk to Chris (the host). She came back and couldn't hand out the final rose... what does this mean? Chris... on cue... comes in with 2 roses so yay, they both get to stay.

Haha, I bet John feels better cuz she called his name first. I know I would.

9:59 PM- Everyone's happy and hugging now. Let's see where they're going next... Oh, they're going to Prague.

Time out... Arie had some sort of former relationship with... somebody. Got some more drama!

Hey... that Glass House show is coming on. It just looks like 'Real World'. This sucks cuz I'm going to watch the beginning of this and get sucked in.

Ok, Bachelorette finished. I'll see ya next week.